Fondest Memories

2009-11-20T01:31:00.002+08:00

HELLOOOO DEARS WHO READ MY BLOG, WHOEVER YOU ARE! (:

i've officially moved to wordpress! (: i think after years of using blogger, it's time for a change of interface. and i think wordpress is quite cool because it actually allows me to tag and categorize my posts with me knowing what categories and tags i have. LOLS. i'm still figuring things out, so the whole blog is incomplete. but, it's getting there. i'm blogging there officially, so it's goodbye my rainbows and fairies for now. i know i'll miss this blog somewhat cause it contains many memories. don't worry, it won't be deleted though. so if you want to rake my past up, feel free. LOLS.

so here it is, catch me at http://treasuresintheattic.wordpress.com

LOVE YOU PEOPLE, and remember to RE-LINK! :D

2009-11-16T03:18:00.002+08:00

and it's really just you and me

crunch time is here, just like every other semester that i've been through and am going to face in NUS, it rolls around without warning. the multitude of tests and assignments that come around, just doesn't make sense and by the time you realize what you're supposed to do, it's already time for the finals. some people say that you should have known when it knocks on your front door, but these exams, they just creep up on you from the back door instead. and you just don't know where you went wrong and what you forgot about.

seriously, i think this semester has been one of my toughest. challenging mentally, physically and emotionally as well. plans, plans and more plans that never get executed because i don't really know how to get people to do them, because i'm afraid of how the turn out will be like. because, because, because. but next semester, the ball's gonna be in a different court, and i'm gonna be more decisive about sending things out.

but before i start doing my reflections for this semester (and the year in general cause it's gonna be december soon!) i have to cross the hurdle of one more essay and three final exams. in between, there's LTC and i can't wait for dimsum buffet with my sociology project mates! :D exciting! and happening.

unfortunately for me, i'm not going clubbing anymore, at least until the whole season of academic busyness is over. and i think that's gonna be a good decision. supperclub on saturday should have shut all my cravings down. and well, i've spent two nights sleeping over at qiaoqiao's place. so i think that should tide me over for the rest of the semester of "me"-time. had great fun at iluma and bugis with her today, or rather yesterday cause it's 3:26am right now. tomorrow's back to hall, and hitting the book ... NO! it's hitting that damn esssay. ):

I MISSED A LIVERPOOL GAME BECAUSE I WAS DOING AN ESSAY THE LAST TIME ROUND. AND THE NEXT TIME ROUND, I'LL MISS IT BECAUSE OF EXAMS. dammnit. i so badly want to watch liverpool play. i don't totally understand the game, but everytime i watch, it makes me feel happy. (:

well, seriously randompost at a seriously randomtime about really randomtopics. & OH! ONE MORE THING. i'm leaving this blog soon. i think it's time to start a new blog for 2010. it's a new year, a decade has passed since the dawn of the millennium, and i should grow away from this blog that has so many juvenile memories. time to start being more grown up.

the little girl's in love too. but it's unrequited, unfortunately. and the new blog will help me stay away from thoughts that i'm not supposed to have cause, well. it'll keep me busy thinking about other stuff. (: i'll leave the link here when i leave so you know where to find me.

i won't vanish, you don't have to worry, cause as before, my life is like an open sheet of paper here on my blogs, i say everything i want to and everything that i kinda shouldn't, but this is my world, and the only place that i can really be me without being hurtfully judged.

goodnight world,
xoxo.

2009-11-09T04:45:00.002+08:00

cause when things come to this point ...

body clock's totally screwed cause i'm sleeping during the day and studying at night instead. tried to put my body clock back to normal, but it's not working yet. otherwise, i wouldn't be up at this hour. sighs. it's such a problematic thing when you can study only at night. ):

sighs, the term is coming to an end and exams are coming soon. and things between hmm, are not really going very well indeed. but i don't think i want to say anything right now cause i just want to focus on my exams. and then block stuff. sighs.

2009-10-29T00:02:00.002+08:00

you're all i ever need, i think.

from lady antebellum's "all we'd ever need".

boy, it's been all this time
and i can't keep you off my mind
and nobody knows it but me

i stare at your photograph
still sleep in the shirt you left
and nobody knows it but me

everyday i wipe my tears away
so many nights i've prayed for you to say

i should have been chasing you
i should have been trying to prove
that you were all that mattered to me
i should have said all the things
that i kept inside of me
and maybe i could've made you believe
that what we had was all we'd ever need.

idk what my own feelings are anymore. but what's going on around me is more than enough to keep me from thinking about him. but what doesn't change is the fact that everytime i'm with him or just talking to him, i never fail to find a smile on my face. he just has that effect on me. and somedays, when i'm down and out, all i want to do is just have a random chat with him, because i know that that's all i'll ever need.

but do i like him enough to want to take it to another level, idk. i regret somethings that i didn't do. but i'm at the same time glad that i didn't do them. it's a confusing feeling that doesn't make sense to me. but, i have no time to make sense of it, and it's left as a lingering thing that just doesn't dissipate.

for now, this is all that i need.

2009-10-24T17:06:00.002+08:00

baby, be mine?

htht sessions always make me think even more about things. sometimes it keeps me going. sometimes, it impedes my progress. but at the end of the day, sighs. i still don't know.

2009-10-19T18:33:00.003+08:00

and i dreamt of you, but i don't know who you are.

fell asleep for a while waiting for some documents to load and i dreamt the scariest, yet most amazing thing. it was a dream, definitely. but what was more interesting was that it was a continuation of a dream that i had a few weeks back. it was a dream where i was out clubbing with a guy friend, whose face i couldn't remember nor see. and we went into a club and had loads of fun but later realized was full of vampires, who didn't do anything to us. so this time round, we left safely.

today's dream, we went back to the same club again and this time, we met the same vampire guys as in the dream before. they were supposedly harmless and thus, we drank a little with them and talked here and there. but suddenly, one of them wanted to dance with me and i rejected. they got violent and tried to force me to. my guy friend tried to stop them, but one of them bit me on the hand, hard enough to leave a mark. and we started running.

running around, trying to evade them, i hid in the washroom. but they came in. my guy friend was nowhere to be seen, and i was struggling against the vampires. at the crucial moment, when one of them was about to bite me, that unknown guy friend rushed in with a knife from goodness knows where and stabbed the vampire saying "don't you do anything to the woman i treasure the most".

and i woke up with that line ringing in my ear and my left wrist throbbing from the "pain". it felt so real, it was scary. but i want to know who that unknown guy is. there were many times in the dream i know where i could see his face. but it was never clear. sighs. i don't know who he is, but i really want to know.

2009-10-18T23:15:00.003+08:00

i just want to be normal, like everybody else.

was ranting to someone that day. not important who that someone is, but i was just talking. and telling that someone that, sometimes, i wish that i wasn't such a high flyer. i think that my very first role in that movie was like a foreshadowing of who and what i would become. in secondary school, i was already a young high flyer. taking like 4CCAs. who in the freaking world has FOUR CO-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES?? - answer: ME.

yes, i've always had this problem where i walk down a corridor and about 17 people go "HI!" and i smile and greet them back and immediately go in my mind "who was that?". if not, i'll be thrown the question " you're from (insert school / CCA / club) " and i'm like "yeah! hi. how are you and who are you?"

yeah, in secondary school, there really was a metamorphosis - from quelyn the normal girl to quelyn the high flyer. and it never stopped. now, when will my next metamorphosis come along? i don't like the high profile life anymore. ok, if it were in the clubs, i don't mind. if it were in my social circle of friends, i don't mind. but not in school and not in hall. BECAUSE I CANNOT BE MYSELF.

quelyn is an entity that the conservative people around me cannot comprehend nor understand completely. only people who are sososo freaking close to me will know what i'm true nature is. and obviously, it's not coming out anwhere near NUS. sighs. how much longer must i endure not letting my true nature shine true.

right now, i'm irritated because i feel like a dull piece of broken jade when i could very easily be my little shining diamond. i'm irritated when people question my dress sense. YES, i dress up to go to school. SO WHAT? DON'T YOU? oh. i forgot, you can't be bothered to. but i do! i respect the people around and me and therefore i will dress myself up instead of walking around shabbily dressed. obviously, it's a different thing in hall because if i wear my shirts and skirts, people start staring and wondering why in the world would a hostilite dress up while in hall.

argh. frustrations, frustrations.

i'm glad i lost my freaking tagboard code, cause i know that 37489724926million people will be waiting to FLAME me after seeing this post.

again, i say. i'm living my life. go live yours and don't be jealous of mine.
you want to gossip, slander, GO AHEAD. i'm past the point of wanting to smack you back.
but i just don't understand why i'm having to put up with your shite when i've DONE NOTHING TO YOU..

whatever.

2009-10-16T17:41:00.002+08:00

i'd take a midnight train to anywhere, just to get out of here.

sounds so complicated. feels so complicated. i don't really like my life at this point of time because i feel that there's just too much to deal with and i'm slowly falling away into an abyss of darkness that i don't really like . today, i decided not to do anything at all. and i just locked myself in my room and slept the whole day. a well-deserved rest i think because the weekend is going to be long and the next week, even longer. there's no end to many things and i don't see where somethings will be going. deadlines pressing in and things like that. i feel like dying. there's no support . there's no one around to help me. and i feel so lonely at times.

i want my life back. my life of shopping, clubbing, hanging out. i'd really rather be a nobody that a somebody right now. if i were a nobody, i'd be able to club as much as i want, slack as much as i want. the passion, is slowly dying down because there no support. and i just feel like fading away into the darkness. goodness.

but here and now's not the time to rant. i'm going to take it as it comes i guess. and all i can say to myself is JIAYOUS.

2009-10-15T21:01:00.003+08:00

i wanna be . . .

sometimes, it's just totally confusing as to the way things are going. because i don't know what i myself want. somedays, i don't feel anything at all. somedays, imissyou like crazy, even though i shouldn't be. and there are those days where i feel that nothing's ever possible between us. and exactly in the opposite direction, there are days where i feel that maybe, just maybe there's something.

everything added up together gives me the hugest headache in the world. and sometimes i just shut it out by not listening to anything or by blasting my music so loud to drown out the incessant thoughts that just gather in my mind. but there are times where it doesn't work, and my mind flows into overload and just dies away slowly. because i can't pretend that i don't have those feelings no matter how much i deny. and then, i just either go into work overloading or fall asleep. to forget? to not think about it? i don't know. but sometimes it helps.

i wanna be, the one who'll be there for you. but he's already got somewhere else to hide if and when he's feeling down, and i'm not really needed at all. hah. i don't know if i can ever see a happily ever after, since i don't really see myself anywhere relationally in the near future, cause he's the only one my eyes are on.

but one day, someone will look at me the way that i'm looking at him now. and that's the day that i'm waiting for. i'll be even cooler if that someone is him. but life doesn't always work out that way. we'll see i guess. (:

pessimistic or optimistic, i don't know which one to be.
but here's a picture for you.

2009-10-12T01:02:00.002+08:00

because i know that i'll get hurt later, or maybe sooner?

sometimes, i guess that pessimism just sets in, especially when there are questions that are unanswered and some that cannot be answered. some, are answers that i'm not ready to hear, just yet. present, still not done and well, i'm feeling guilty. because the longer i take to finish it, the more confused i become and the more emotions i put into that supposedly simple present. which seriously sucks.

i know i'm definitely going to get hurt, no matter what the answer is. i'm not ready to handle this sh*t right now cause i've got too many things on hand. and a lot on my mind. so, the heart isn't really taking precedence right now. i just want to slow things down and not think about it.

bahh.

2009-10-07T02:33:00.002+08:00

finally found the courage to open the present you left behind.

it's been probably three weeks and your present has been lying on the floor, in its box. i never opened it because i didn't think it was fair that i had my present and you didn't have yours. but in the next few days, i'll be finishing yours, and you'll finally see what i've been working so hard on. hopefully, you'll like it and feel all the love that's coming from me. not the kind that you pretend to have, but the love that really exists. i've decided to stop running away from my own feelings and pretending to feel confused because somewhere, deep in me, i know that i've fallen for you.

i just didn't want to admit it and end up hurt.

but i figured that getting hurt would be sooner or later. i'd rather sooner than later. you make my heart skip a beat. you make my day that little brighter. and one day, even if when the day comes and your answer is no, i know that i'll have wonderful memories to keep with me. i see them all over my room now. and i know that they'll still be there in the future.

bahh. time to sleep.
essays have been keeping me awake for too long.
and so have you.

2009-10-02T22:56:00.002+08:00

MAF with council is TMR! loves.

i'm excited. (: i'm finally seeing my dearest 29SC, after a long long time since, benben's birthday celebration? OMG. seriously miss them to bits! and pieces. life's really not the same without them. and without them, NYJC would probably no longer hold as much meaning to me as it does now. the days where we went to school with the sky dark, and left when the sky was still dark.

third year celebrating MAF together. seems like a really long time. next year, we're celebrating our 4th birthday. and hopefully, the 5th, 6th & 7th birthday. and when we do, hopefully, i'll bring my bf for them to see. and he'll become a 29thHusband. (we call the bf/gfs of any 29thCouncillor a Husband/Wife. cause we're family.) loves. and at my wedding, i want them to be there, all 30 of them. because they were my greatest joy in JC, and i'd definitely want to share my greatest joy in life with them. (:

since we stepped down two years ago, i've been in many other committees. but none as heartwarming as my dearest 29th. none that i've missed as much as the 29th. none as close to my heart as the 29th.

29SC, my heart's always with this group of people.

2009-09-30T19:04:00.006+08:00

falling in too deep, i want to be your angel.

i want to take it slow with him. like really, really slow. because i don't want to step into another trap that will hurt me. i don't want to step into something that will leave my heart in pieces again. but the more i try to stop myself, the faster i fall. how do i overcome this cycle that i've trapped myself in.

i can't stop myself from falling. and my friends think that this is a very big change from who i used to be. but, he got me thinking about somethings seriously. he's like an anchor for my changeable emotions and a lock of security for my floating soul. the stability that i feel with him, i don't know how to explain it.

and i know i'm falling in too deep. because i'm already wanting to be your angel. to love you. and to be with you.

but i know that this is something that i can't rush.
stop me from falling dear. stop me .

on another note, i know that most of the time, i've lost my faith in religion because there's so much that i don't believe anymore. i don't believe that i can be forgiven. i don't believe that i deserve to be forgiven. and i just want to go on with my life, making the choices myself, loving the people that i want to love. all this while, my previous boyfriends have never been christian. and because of that, i don't believe god will love me ever again. because i don't believe that i can live the life that god wants me to.

but sometimes, videos depicting god's love, still touches me.
and maybe one day, i still can be saved.

2009-09-29T20:34:00.004+08:00

an outstretched hand, a given chance.

i saw his hand, outstretched for me. to keep me with him amongst the crowd. but, i didn't take that given chance because i felt that it was too early. i don't want to rush things. the last time i rushed things, i landed in heartache that lasted for more than a year, even more than i asked for.

this time, i know i kinda like him. but i want to take it slow because i'm not sure of myself. but more than that, i'm not sure of him.

2009-09-26T12:54:00.002+08:00

sometimes it hurts to know that he doesn't know.

recess week came and flew by. busy with loads of hall activities, project meetings, dinners etc. studied minimally. but luckily for me, i've only got 2midterms. yeaps. just TWO. but it's killing me already. essays due, admin stuff for the jcrc is also due soon. lols. sometimes, i don't know which to prioritize and end up doing hall stuff first. but yesterday night was good. studied quite a lot. analysed one whole chapter of my literature book, only like 30 more to go! wth.

talked to some people alot yesterday. am i very obvious that i think you're cute? but i don't like you. i just think you're cute. end of story. why make so much fuss about one statement. thank God that it's dying down already. i can't take anymore scandals and gossips, whatever. i want to stay scandal-free. gossip may be inevitable at times, but scandals can be avoided. :)

lightening up in some matters already. taking it easy and trying not to get paranoid. but, yeah. sighs. i think i'm a huge irony in myself. whatever. but it's at times like this where i'm glad that i have some stable responsibility to anchor myself on.

and i miss my level6guys. they, no longer stay on level6, not all of them anyway. and they've changed, somewhat. idk. i know people change. but i just miss the way level6 used to be. noisy, busy. where i could go to hide from everything. where i know i was cared for, loved. but now, there's nowhere for me to run to anymore. my room is like my cave, my shelter from the storms. but i need another place away from my room to hide. hopefully, i'll find a place soon.

2009-09-22T16:51:00.002+08:00

if one mistake leads to another, then i'll just go on making them.

things, have happened recently to me, and i've been keeping quiet about it because i don't know who to go to, i don't know who to tell. it seems like the world i live in is waiting to pounce on me whenever they have the chance to. they wait for me to make mistakes and then get ready to skin me alive, and burn me. but it doesn't stop the mistakes from happening.

it wasn't my fault, it really wasn't. but now, things that are not my fault to take care coming back to haunt me and make me take the blame for it. sometimes, i don't know why, but it just takes the heart and soul right out of me. this mistake is huge. so huge that i myself don't know what to do, who to go to and whom to trust.

sighs. i just pray that what i'm thinking doesn't happen.

2009-09-18T00:30:00.002+08:00

quietly leave me, let me alone in the dark.

slowly, this blog is surely rotting away. times have been so rough that sometimes, i don't really want to say anything about what's going on anymore. yes, there have been some really good times. but mostly, i'm just too stressed out about alot of things, actually, about everything. nothing's going smoothly and i just made my crush angry by hiding a very important card of his. well done quelyn, well done. that can totally go into like the top 10 list of stupid things i've ever done.

anyway, recently, block duties have taken a toll on me and i've yet to finish my buaya week stuff. argh, i feel super guilty because i want to give my buayee a sense of how fun hall life is and how much i love him. hahas. buayeee, you are loved lah. :) but then, that's about the only happy thing that i can think of right now. my whole mind is still filled with the stupid thing i just did. argh.

anyways, relationship-wise, i won't say much. it's not for me to say many things cause there are things that shouldn't be speculated as yet. sighs. sighs.

when will everything just settle down?

2009-09-13T18:58:00.000+08:00

for the first time in many weeks, I spent almost a full 48hrs away from hall, living my life outside that enclosed compound of NUS. for the first time, I studied in my own room at home since I came to university. for the first time, I spent a whole night in revelry, forgetting about everything else and just enjoying myself since I stepped into this new world full of politics. for the first time, I just drank to my hearts contents, not fearing drunkedness because of the safe environment I was in.

and I'm glad for this weekend off. there's meetings tonight, but at least, at least I had the time of my life yesterday night.

but at the same time, I realized how many different people I can become in just 2days. student, blockhead, teacher, daughter, party girl, best friend, Christian, m2. and in each and every role, I act differently and I even look different. and I wonder how does that work out? was just looking at the bus info and then realized that I really do look different when I wear different clothes, different shoes. and it was really somewhat of a shock because I didn't realize how much skinnier I've become, how much prettier I've become, how much bitchier I've become, how much more mature I've become.

sometimes I wonder when God looks at me, who and what does he see. the many bad and forbidden things that I've done, intentionally or not, will he forgive me for it? after this period, will he still take me back as his little girl? idk, and sometimes I doubt it highly because I'm a naughty girl who has broken so many rules just to live life the way I want to. I've betrayed so much of me that idk what's left. it's a surreal feeling, like somethings feel like they've never happened even though you know they did. when God looks at me what does he say and how does he feel? sad I guess, looking at how screwed up my life has become. and being able to cover it up so well, I give it up to myself. And then wonder how long more and how much more of this can I take?

I fee that some of my friends are right, I need someone to take care of me. I would love for it to be someone in hall, but at the same time, it's complicated and I don't want it to affect my emotions cause I know how it'll affect the way I do my job. complicated. very. but I need someone I cab constantly count on to go to, a reliable chest and shoulder to cry on, to laugh with and to just share the ups and downs, both mine and his. but so far, that person hasn't appeared. beek says to have faith and I'll soon find that piece of sky that will belong to me, but it's not that easy and I've almost lost all faith.

sighs. idk what to think anymore.

2009-09-03T23:40:00.002+08:00

you're such a beautiful, such a beautiful distraction.

currently, fb is mostly used for the post about hall life and other random feelings that i have. and luckily there's still a place like this for my personal feelings. with all the hype of me stepping up and all the things that i have taken over, things are not easy, but i'm slowly taking things in my stride. hopefully, this semester will be a good one. so far, i've been keeping up fairly well with my work. done all tutorials on time and well, still in the midst of revising most things. this semester, and for the rest of the annual year, i'm the role model for the people in my block and i've got to put in double, triple, quadruple the effort that i put in last year. not an easy thing, but hopefully, i do well.

i know it'll mostly be by my own strength because thus far, i haven't found God back yet.

sighs. on a more personal note, the guy that everyone thinks i like is well, nothing more than a beautiful distraction to the one who has left me behind. again, once again, someone's left me behind. it's not that bad this time because we're still close friends. but the truth always hurts and the truth is always nearby, nearer than i'd like it to be. so for now, i'm just guessing that he's going to be my beautiful distraction for a while until i really find someone worthwhile.

2009-08-26T22:40:00.002+08:00

you don't have to call anymore, i won't pick up the phone.

i wish i would stop vomiting everything that i eat out into the toilet bowl. SIANS. because of this stupid cough i've been having, i've vomited yesterday and today's dinner out. and it really feels like crap because i want to keep my food down but it doesn't want to stay in the system. somebody, just kill me please. i need the nutrients to live!!

anyway, things between me and someone else, has gotten that bit better i think. and i'm quite happy. but still, it's not really like true happiness because i know that between us, it's still hanging. hard to say no cause i really want to at least keep the friendship because i truly am happy whenever i'm with him. many people don't understand why, and they always say that i deserve better. but, so what if i really do deserve better. being happy when i'm with him is probably all that counts. because it's easy to find someone better than him, but that person may not be able to make me happy.

oh. but whatever. sighs.

2009-08-24T16:30:00.002+08:00

the most painful thing is when someone tells you "i love you.. but i'm not in love with you."

i know two guys in my life who will tell me that. one just broke my heart. the other doesn't know yet, but that line is something that he will say. and so very unfortunately for me, i always seem to be seeing the view of their backs, walking away from me. one, i see in hall almost everyday. the other, i don't see often, but when i do, it sort of hurts.

well, that's just life. i never get to love the people that i'm in love with. and, it fucking hurts.

2009-08-20T21:37:00.003+08:00

take me away from here.

not going to be a long post. but everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. anything that can be right, has also gone right. ARGH. i don't know what i should do for many things right now. things are piling up and i'm trying to take everything in stride and in a way where i am able to fulfill all my responsibilities. but somehow, things don't always go right.

also, i have to remember to stop thinking about things and be happy instead because i have to continue living MY life instead of someone else's.

2009-08-14T12:44:00.002+08:00

be my guardian angel, and my personal bad boy devil .

school term has started and this time round, i'm really going to have to pull up all the socks that i have to make sure that i pass with flying colours this semester. :) not going to be an easy task considering what happened last sem, but ohwell. i guess as long as i work hard enough, i'll get through, pull through and hopefully continue this path in education that i'm taking. not easy, not short. but there's no elevator to success, we have to take the stairs.

preparing for a run that's happening at the end of this month. hopefully i'll improve my timing from last year! training schedule right now is quite slack because there's something happening at hall every night (actually, i think it's just me giving myself an excuse not to train. :P) but, from tomorrow onwards, it's all the way till the end of the month.

monday was a holiday, that i spent in hall - unfortunately. because the family was not free, it feels almost equivalent to not having any family. but, whatever. tuesday, had a great time with the freshies at dinner and then IBG Opening. Seniors Meeting was also on tuesday and i got "grilled" by them. i seriously think that i am up to the challenge to do what i have to do to take over. and i would appreciate if in the future, you criticize me in front of me so that i can either explain, or know where i went wrong and change. :) i'm open. as darren said, it's the culture that we want to bring back to blockE. you say what you think, and i'll say what i think. we don't hide shite from each other. wednesday was a little boring at first, Presidential Rally after dinner. and then off to ButterFac with the rag dancers, even though i had a ball of a time with all the other friends that i met. f- high that night. seriously, the amount of different alcohols that i drank that night ranged from beer to martell. the usual suspects came around again that night. made even more new friends. :) thursday night, had a great dinner with the block! love the line at the table so long, and so in line with my vision for the block. unfortunately, many seniors were missing, or else, we'd have a super long line at the table already! then initiation which i cannot say much about, but WELCOME TO THE FAMILY EEKERS.

recently found someone who can be my guardian angel and bad boy devil all at the same time. unfortunately, he likes someone else. but i guess, i'm happy where i am right now and i don't want to spoil what i have. be my guardian angel when i'm down and my devil when it's time to have fun. :) at least he's more constant than some other people in my life. complicated shite, my life. but i'm having fun with it.

doesn't matter how, who, when, or why, i just want to have all the fun in the world
right here, right now.

2009-08-11T09:59:00.002+08:00

where i want to be, where i belong.

please, don't take that statement as a show of patriotism. if anyone really knows quelyn, you'll know that i'm one of the least patriotic people. yes, i like, and sometimes even love, this island city. but i'm not one who is a fan of singing those songs that they come up with every year.

where i want to be, and where i belong is Sheares Hall. saturday was a day where we lost first place, but didn't lose our dream. of course everyone was sad that we lost to another hall, but we know that we did our best. we kept our dream alive, and we walked into the performance area with no regrets. :)

the school term is dawning and posts here are going to dwindle. catch some posts on facebook instead. this blog will be for more personal more bitchy stuff that goes on in my life. so check the PG-rated ones on FB.

ciao. i'm nua-ing in bed till 12nn before i go to school.

2009-08-07T04:12:00.002+08:00

when we go down into eternity, remember me.

it's less than 32hrs to performance time. and that number will just keep dwindling to a smaller number, until it's just minutes and seconds left on the clock. the sacrifices i've made for that 5minutes have repercussions that might last me a lifetime, but i feel that it's all worth it. because in my whole life, i've never felt so strongly for something as i've felt for rag. for the first time, i sense that i'm really part of something more. an experience that money cannot replace. because it's the time spent that matters.

this year, as the previous year, i'm not very close to the dancers. i'm never really close to anyone, and no one can really second guess my actions or what i'm thinking. i've said, i'm a whirlwind personified. but through this period of time, i've made new friends that i know that i will keep dear to my heart. i've had experiences that i know will last me a lifetime. and this year, there's an added determination to win what we have lost.

yesterday, i missed practice for the first time since i started dancing. because i was sick. and i finished a whole freaking box of panadol just in that few hours. i probably overdosed, but it made me feel better, just enough to get back to practice. that's how seriously i take rag practice. i'm not the best dancer around, i know. but as long as i have another breath left in me, i'm giving it to rag.

after rag, it's going to take a long time for my body to recuperate. but it's the price i'm paying. and it doesn't matter. people sacrificed their freedom, sleep and social life. so sacrificing my health shouldn't be a big thing. or at least it isn't to me. as long as we win rag. as long as sheares hall goes down in history with this rag, i'm more than satisfied.

i can't sleep. the excitement in me keeps the adrenaline running. i guess there are other things on my mind as well, but i'm lucky that i've had rag to walk that horrendous journey with me. to me, doing rag was a win-win situation because it kept my mind off many negative things even if only temporary.

my mind is not working now, so it's just verbal vomit coming out from whatever my brain is processing now. but i know that i know that i believe we're going to win. we've already won on our side because we've given it our all. all we need is that affirmation on that day itself.

31.5hrs more to eternity.

2009-08-06T00:24:00.004+08:00

maybe it's time to let everything go already.

two more days before rag dawns on us. technically less than 72 hours before performance if we count the hours from now. and it's two more days till eternity. two more days till sheares hall makes history once again. this is a year of many firsts for sheares hall and it's going to continue that way.

and the same should go for my life i guess. making it really a year of many firsts. i, i wonder if it's really possible.

if i really had to let go of everything,
what would become of me?
what would be left of me?
i don't really know.

but it's time to let go, let go of everything that has been holding me back and then shining even more brightly than the brightest star in the universe, or at least i hope so. and maybe it's time to take the first step to start somethings going, or at least, get an answer to whatever has been bothering me.

maybe that day will be today?
maybe it'll be tomorrow?
or maybe even half a year from now.

but that's secondary right now, because the first thing that i'm thinking about is rag. and with rag,it's two days till eternity.

2009-08-05T10:45:00.005+08:00

| afternoon rains |

the more i force myself to be a playgirl,
the more i know how afraid i am of getting into a real relationship.

i play. i make myself sound like a full-fledged player. but that's something that i haven't done in quite a while already. haven't been playing with minds for a few months already, or at least it feel like it. and that's because i've been busy with rag dance. but now that there's a boy somewhere in my life, i make myself sound like i don't care, like i don't really want this relationship. but myself more than anything else knows how much the heart yearns for stability.

but on the other hand, i don't know what the boy feels or thinks. because he's so much of a mystery. as much as i am to him. we both are standing on the edge of the line between black and white. there's that thin grey area that we're balancing on, i think. because we both don't know what each other is thinking.

or maybe because i read too much into what he says and what he does.

i've built this glass prison around me. this prison, is so easy to break. so easy to shatter. but not without me getting hurt. sometimes i feel that i choose to imprison myself because i'd rather lose this freedom than get hurt again. this glass prison keeps me from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. but do i really care about what's at the end of the tunnel? idk.

all i know is, i don't want to get hurt.

it's like playing with fire
and hoping that you don't get burnt.
it's like jumping into the ocean
and believing that you won't drown.
it's like putting your head under the guillotine
and thinking that the blade won't drop.

but that's not reality.
i don't know what is real anymore.

| morning ramblings |

i dreamt a dream of you . . . and me.

the rain is threatening to fall outside my window
what about the tears behind my eyes?

they say that sometimes we dream what the subconscious mind thinks, and i think i finally know what i've been thinking all along. i dreamt that i got to close to some other guys and he got jealous, and showed his true feelings. but in reality, this is not so. we get along well, but that doesn't mean that he really loves me. there's so many uncertainties and sometimes, it's just not meant to be certain ways.

was telling lynette the other day that i realized that i have a pattern when it comes to boys, boyfs and flings. they never last long, i'm never serious and there's always the element of more fun than feel. deep inside, i want to settle, but i'm afraid of settling. maybe because of my past relationships. maybe because of the way i saw my parents end. maybe because the guys that i'm with never want anything more than the physical. maybe because i just haven't met the right one.

but right now, even if we don't get together,
i hope that he'll be the right one for me
at this current point of time.

countdown, 3days to Rag.

2009-08-04T22:39:00.002+08:00

and i'll never know what i really want
cause all i want is you .

the night wind's blowing into my 7th floor room and the breeze just caresses my cheeks. how i wish that it was your rough hands instead. i'm sitting on the bed, typing on the computer. how i wish you could be next to me. somehow, it seems like the more i wish for things, the further it gets from me. like i wished for you, but you're a hundred miles away from me even though you stand right in front of me, looking me in the eye.

i can never comprehend how i could ever like a guy like you, totally, not the type that i would expect myself to be going out with. boys your type are usually for playing and dumping in about a week's time. but you've stayed longer than that, and i'm starting to expect more out of what we have right now. it's not just about the time spent together, but the constant random bantering that we have. and the little tricks that i like to play on you.

i loved the way you barged into my room unexpectedly that day. :)

and if your realize, i don't dare look into your eyes because i'm afraid of what i might find. because i'm afraid that i'll fall for those dark soulful eyes of yours. and therein lies the irony. i don't know what i really want. is what we have now really enough to satisfy me? i've been psychoing myself that this is the right path to walk, treasuring the now and not expecting more. but i myself know that i will expect more than this.

but for now, i force myself not to think.

because youth is already too short for us to fully enjoy, so why waste time thinking and racking your brains on something so mindless. all i need to know is you are all i want for now. just you and you alone. i don't exactly know what i need, but i just know that I WANT YOU. but just as you are free to do anything you want, i am free too, to do anything that i want.

remember boy, it's a want, not a need.

2009-08-04T00:10:00.003+08:00

i fall faster every time i see your face.
cause it's just you and me.

it's today already and i'm supposed to be awake in less than 5hrs time because the whole of NUS is going for flag. but i still have to blog before i sleep or else i won't be able to sleeep. i think it's become a habit that once i come into hall, my nights are for spending and my days for sleeping. the body clock just automatically screws itself. it helps that i don't have acclimate to the place again, but it's bad because i have to make sure that i don't start skipping lessons and stuff like that.

times seems to pass so fast. it's already august of the year and it's more than half a year gone. i don't know how i've been spending the months that have gone by, but i do know that i've changed a lot in the past 7mths. changed habits, hobbies, boys, majors, CCAs. so many things that i myself can't really keep up. my friends can't keep up with my life either cause i'm like a little whirlwind. ohwelll.

the moon seems quite full tonight. but you're so far away, like half the world away. i wonder if you will be looking at the same moon as i am looking at right now. hahas. yeah. seems like even though he's not by my side all the time, just looking through photos make me fall even fast.

but the worst part is, i don't know what i want anymore. sighs.
whatever. i guess i'm not going to think about it for now. i'm going to sleeeep! :D

2009-08-03T09:16:00.002+08:00

being with you is dangerous, it's like living with a timebomb .

another early morning post. 9.16am where i am right now and it seems that sleep doesn't really like me because i've been trying to get as much sleep as possible, but i always end up waking up quite early and having to force myself to go back to sleep. today's different because i've got dance at 10am, so there's no way that i'm going to go back to sleep. but my body is really tired and crying out for help because it's already not in its best condition. ankle's busted. back's strained. and immunity system's quite screwed. body clock is even more screwed. and well, my mind is somewhat settling down already and is prepared for the worst to come (even though i try not to think about it, i still do because i don't want myself to get hurt again. it's like walking headlong into something you know is dangerous but at the same time holding a shield in front of you, a shield that somehow drags you down till you're tired.)

personal feelings aside for a while, it's less than 6days to rag and that's why i'm not taking any MCs or even trying to rest. it's a bad habit of mine to do so because we've worked so hard for so long and i don't want to be the weakest link. so i force myself to be stronger than i seem to be. it takes a toll on my body very evidently, like last year, it took me almost 5months to recover from the injury. this year, i don't know how long it will take for my body to recuperate, but hopefully it's faster. :) and at least this year i didn't really re-sprain my ankle, just really strained it to a point where it cries out and then i take a break for a while.

it's less than 6days for sheares hall to go from history to eternity. and i'm prepared to pay the full price to make sure that happens. rag, is one of the most important things to me because it's really the shearite experience that i treasure the most. this year, may be my last year doing rag? i'm not too sure. but whatever it is, i am giving it my all. in this last 6days or less, i know that it's not only the dancers who will be working hard because the people downstairs like the material engineers and designers will be working even harder to complete the float. JIAYOU PEOPLE! WE'RE GETTING THERE!! RAG09/10 will definitely got down in history. :)

personally, i just keep telling myself to keep the "we are just friends" view and enjoy the now. there are times when i worry that the "now" will suddenly stop, but i guess i just have to let off on the amount of time that i spend together with him. for the next 6days, i solemnly swear that i will message him as little as possible and have as little contact with his as possible. i will focus on rag and only look for him after this period because concentrating on rag is more important and i need my emotions to be as stable as possible to ensure that i perform well.

anywayys. sighs. i got to go now. so many things happening today. shite. just got a freaking call and i need to run like now! ciao. sighs.

2009-08-03T02:37:00.003+08:00

is this the moment where i look you in the eye ?

to tell the truth, i've never been a camera person. as in, i love taking photos, quite obviously from the amount of photos i have. but it was just that i never really brought my camera along. the current camera i own is 5yrs old and has never been used more than 6times before like june this year. that's how seldom my camera saw the light of day. i always relied on my friends to bring their cameras and take photos. but this time round, i realize that bringing the camera myself is so much more fun, interesting and memorable as well. because i get to take pictures from my point of view.

and i'm loving it because i get to capture the moments.

i realize how important it is to create my own memories because after a while, i may forget things and people. but with photographs, at least when i look back, they'll jolt memories and i'll be able to relive these experiences. :) especially with the people whom i'm close with now. the future is always something that we cannot comprehend nor foresee and today's friends may become tomorrow's enemies. so, i guess it's always better this way, that i have memories of my own.

today had a PJ party in the MPSH of sheares hall. wonderful experience. even though there weren't many photos, i guess they will be enough to last me through a session of reminiscence in the future. i'm glad that i was part of this "first" in sheares hall history. had loads of fun just bashing friends and freshies with my little cushion. :) playing the games with them made me feel like a freshie all over again. and, i'm making my first SWOC memories as well because i missed it last year due to rag dance.

and creating memories with him as well. :)
he still doesn't know, i think.
but i don't really care.
because i have the now.

oh, and i've lost weight since coming to hall! :D seriously, looking at the photos of last year and now, i look so much prettier. hees. even santa says that i lost weight! which is quite true. and i'm going to keep it off and become skinnier because i'm looking forward to my photoshoots. dearest moses will be the photographer and i've got a list of damn interesting places that i want to go to for these photoshoots. most of them are outdoor, so poor moses will have to put up with my incessant demands, but i'm paying him, so i get to act like a diva! (actually, i won't. just that he'll be damn tired from running around with me.) slowly wait for the photos people! i've decided to do my first shoot in september. cause august is already packed for me. sighs.

love and hate my schedule all at the same time.
well, time to upload some photos on FB
and then sleeeeeeep!

loves.

2009-08-02T01:16:00.003+08:00

NOW is the best time of our lives .

firstly, a huge sorry to QiaoQiao. :( was supposed to go clubbing with her, but i was too tired after all the dance and orientation camp events. we had block culture today and i actually went to change in between to my bikini/clubbing wear, but in the end, decided not to go because tmr morning is another long day of orientation programs. sleep is, somewhat needed badly.

today, or rather yesterday was a long but quite exciting and fulfilling day for me. dance in the morning till late afternoon. had news that i currently cannot post here that brought along a little ruckus, but it's fine for now i think. shouldn't be too big a problem. :) and then block culture at night where all the other 4blocks had to go through our block culture (of course there was also the pleasure of drinking our very own homemade chinchow! the traditional blockE drink. hees.) block culture was supposed to end at 8pm, but it dragged a little till late 9plus. then there was cleaning up, which was fun because i ponded andy and moses! :D IMISSTHELEVEL6PONDINGSESSIONS. i think i mentioned it before, but yeah, i'm just mentioning it again. i think those were the most fun memories of level6. sighs. if time could rewind.. but unfortunately, time doesn't wait nor stop for any man.

memories, will always be sweet memories.

and that's why, i'm going to enjoy the now. talked to a few people here and there about many things that was on my mind (even though they didn't know. i know, i'm good at this.) and cleared out some things about my emo-ness. was in a seriously bad mood this morning because of so many factors, not just the monthly thing, but also because i just keep thinking about so many things that maybe, i shouldn't be thinking about. i guess i was thinking about the word "official" too much.

sometimes, things don't need to be said too plainly. because when things are put out in the open, there are appearances to keep up, and of course, very much more responsibility that has to be taken up. and i don't want that kind of commitment either because it's too taxing. wayy too taxing for my poor brain to take. these sneaky sneaky moments will be the ones that i look back on in the future, even if we aren't together in the long run. they'll be sweeter memories than if we were together. and there's less pressure this way.

i've changed my mind. i don't need an official.
i just need a HERE and a NOW.
because this is where fun starts.
and will only end when we say so.

:) ilikeyou.butidon'tneedaboyfinyou.
boyfs, they'reamillionandone
you, areoneinamillion.
loves.

2009-08-01T08:47:00.003+08:00

sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down.
just get back up when it knocks you down, knocks you down .

early saturday morning and i'm up this early because i got a scare. rag dance practice starts and 10am and i woke up with a start cause i was afraid that i was late. but it ended up being only like 8.30am. so, i went to wash up and here i am blogging. hah. oddly, i don't feel very well. the head's spinning a little and the tummy just isn't settling down the right way. and i have not eaten anything in the last probably, 12+ hrs. the last thing i ate was a slice of pizza at sentosa with the SWOC-ers. siann. i feel like puking even though there's nothing to puke.

and i can't eat now cause if i do, i'll really puke out whatever i eat during dance.

loved friday (yesterday) cause we went to sentosa. i finally got to meet my freshies and had a small gathering with some of the seniors. loves. times like these are extremely precious to me because i spend most of the days in the dance studio/MPSH and meeting up with friends has become an "after rag" thing. anyway, now at least i know the names of the like freshies and stuff like that. at first i was really quite lost, but sentosa day really made a difference.

AND I FINALLY WORE MY BIKINI! YES!! :) been waiting to do so since like sports camp. but because SWOC is a bit more family friendly, there wasn't a lot of skin revealed. ok, maybe quite a lot because the vest that i wore was actually too big for me. hahas. but, it was the BEACH. i mean, where else can you wear something like that and get away with it? :D

kinda loved friday also because it meant that i could go to the bar to work. the hours are long, but the company is fun. the work is tiring, but being able to work in such an environment, i grow and learn more things than other people who are in boring normal jobs. :) yesterday was an exceptionally slack(er) day compared to normal, but it was still quite a busy night. closed at around 2.30am.

came back to hall and decided to take a walk around hall cause i was thinking of some stuff. and chanced upon vernon and moses who told me there was a "level6 gathering" that happened a while before i came back. but then, managed to see winson and junghai who were appreciating some really nice-smelling, nasty tasting stuff. talked to them about some stuff too and they helped to analyse things from a guy's perspective. so yeah. i guess that sometimes, i don't need to ask for so much and should just be happy with the way things are between me and - - - - - - (fill in the blanks again, i love this game)

am still deciding if i should tell the girls about - - - - - - because i don't know what they're reaction will actually be. i did test waters a little, but it seems that their reaction wasn't so sweet. beek's reaction was quite negative, so i would think that the rest of them would have to same reaction. ohshite. i don't know what to do now. and it sucks.

anyway, here's some of my favourite photos from yesterday! :)
and unfortunately, i still feel like puking. :(

2009-07-30T08:50:00.002+08:00

and they say that a hero can save us .

not going to be a long post cause i'm rush rush rushing to send my library book back. it's like a few million days overdue! anyways, yesterday was good. dance, worked a few hours, boss let me off early, met the girls at xlb steamboat buffet and didn't eat much at all. HAHAS. photos are going to be on FB, so watch out for them. i miss my girls so so so much. but all of us are busy busy with like school stuff now that rag and orientations and ongoing. sighs. miss them loads. great we had that gathering ytd. it's supposed to be like my belated birthday celebration. i still have one more belated birthday celebration that i'm waiting on! :D

confused, so super confused about so many things. mostly about him. told beek about this guy ytd and she gave me another view of him because she sees him in her faculty more often than i do and it seems that he's really like loud and all that and not many people like him because he's kinda cocky and yeahh. the flipside of what i have seen. sighs. to tell the truth, i know about that other side of him and it comes out only when he's with a crowd of people. but i think i should never look at things from my own judgement.

HATE HATE HATE WHEN THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN.
so what exactly is the next step i should take?
#1: stop thinking of him so much. yes?

sorry people for not having a tagboard anymore. i was changing my template and i accidentally deleted the code. trying to get that tagboard back cause it's followed me for quite sometime already. yeaps. sighs.

2009-07-29T12:26:00.003+08:00

| early evening reverie |

take a look at the other side of the coin .

on the way to work now and blogging from my iPhone yet again. the trusty companion for almost a year now! how time flies. been working at the same bar (part-time) for almost a year and a half already. though my working times aren't fixed, at least it's a source of income that comes in somewhat irregularly to match my equally irregular spending habits. i like the job even though everyone tells me that i shouldn't be working there. but it's a decent job, so i'm not complaining.

the other side of the coin, i've seen today it seems. hahas. firstly, i changed my impression of someone whom i used to be afraid of. and now, i think she's quite nice. maybe it's because she's a senior and i seem to always be one of her charges, and thus, it's intimidating to think of her as a friend since we're not very close. i used to think that she's scary, but now, i think she's okay. but of course, there's still a little apprehension there though.

secondly, i think it's time to take a break from matters of the heart, like really not have any boyfs for the next few months. hard when the person that you actually kinda like stays in the same hall as you, but we'll see how that goes. i'm not really his type anyway cause i'm not pretty or skinny enough. hah. yes, i like how i look, love even - that's where all the narcissism comes from. but when it comes to dealing with what the opposite sex likes, i put myself down all the time. and i have a feeling that even if i lost another 10kgplus, i'll still put myself down.

thirdly, i realized why i like him. he comes off as a bad boy. he does everything that bad boys do. but i liked the flip side of him. the one that takes care of me like a gentleman. the one who makes sure i'm safe and protected. the one who said that i was beautiful, not hot. but beautiful. i think the last point is very important because i'd never go out with a guy who tells me that i'm hot. never. cause those kind of guys are only looking for one thing. saying that a girl is beautiful means that he looked that bit more deeper than all those other guys.

but we're still not meant to be, that i know for sure.
i'm tempted to ask for a short term rship, be loyal once again
but, i don't know where it will take the both of us.
it might just break our friendship and everything we have now

| morning mayhem |

the memories i can't forget are burnt into my heart .

it's been so long since the last time i felt so protected. it's been so long since the last time i felt special. it's been so long since the last time someone actually saw me in a different light. and one guy did all three things within two days. not that the two days was recent because i didn't want to blog about it so close to the date, so i waited for a while. maybe because i didn't want him to guess that the person i was referring to was him.

a simple gesture could make me feel so protected. a simple embrace made me feel special. a single glance and he saw me as more than just who i portrayed. sick. the immensity of what one person can do. and it doesn't help that somewhere deep down, i do like him as more than just a friend. sick. sick.

but i know that i'm just one of the other many girls in his life. and the memories, they remain with me and me alone to savour and then bask in the pain that follows because of how ignorant he is. how close yet far he is. this pain, i can bear because at least, he won't disappear from my sight for a while.

burnt into my heart.
how you look when you're next to me
protecting me from harm.
how you share with me through whispers
of your past and present.
how you hold me in your arms as if you
never would want to let go.

to my girls, i'll tell you about him soon. but i won't reveal his name.
never, ever will i divulge his name.
never, ever will i speak his name.
not because it's sacred
but secret.

2009-07-28T19:13:00.003+08:00

| good night post |

and i just can't pull myself away, under a spell i can't break .

YES~ finally i know that i have real visitors who actually visit my blog. :) hello people who are reading. know that i love you very much for dropping by. even though everything here is quite emo.mo.mo. sighs. today rachel commented that my blog posts are all very emo. and yes, i totally agree with her that my blog posts are emo. afterall, it's a place where i vent everything and be the other side of myself that i don't show during the day. if you really do know me well, you'd know that during the day, and even night, as long as there are people around me, i'm actually quite noisy and high. but to every person, there is another side of the coin which many don't see.

i'm actually not a very sociable person if you haven't realized. i make myself more open when there are more people around me because it's just another survival skill that i have to learn. unfortunately, my actual personality is very introverted. so much so that i can't click with many people. because i'm actually scared of them. and maybe because i despise some of them for their flaky character.

there's one real life example whom i see everyday. the person is well, a senior and i don't think much of this person because this person is so flaky to a point where when this person becomes lazy at doing what this person is supposed to do, i feel angry because everyone is working so hard and yet, this person, well, just doesn't do what this person's position is supposed to do. please do not try to guess who this person is because you will never succeed. anyway, i used to respect this person a lot, but as time passed, i realized that there's really nothing to respect about this person because it seems that this person has a bout of bipolarity that is not very noticeable. it's just that, i'm very sensitive to the feelings and thoughts of other people.

so much so that it scares myself. when you can know what a person is feeling just by looking at them. sometimes i feel like i'm invading their privacy, but there's no other way to stop it. it's just something that happens naturally. a gift i would say.

anyway, i know there are people who don't like me either and well, it's something that i cannot help. i don't need every single 6billion people in the world to like me. i'd have a very tiring life if that was the case. but anyway, i know people don't like me because they don't know me, and i don't blame them because i'm someone who's got many different aspects that make who i am up. and people who don't know me can't keep up with it. blame it on my horoscope i guess, i'm a cancerian (however you spell it) and my moods are very changeable as well as my personality. and it's just that some people don't know how to appreciate this uniqueness and write it off as flakiness. HEN SIAN.

but what they don't know don't hurt me. they just lost someone who could be their friend.

anyways, i've been thinking so much recently that my head hurts! cause of some decisions, i guess that many things in my life will have to change. and it's not that i'm not prepared to make these changes, but the status quo would have been so much better. and i hate it when rumors fly around because i know that there's one going around and it's a really HEN SIAN feeling because i'm afraid that it will ruin my friendship with a certain guy. i think he's not really taking it seriously, but ok, i'm still keeping my distance. i think that if that idiot hadn't started the rumor, we could have been quite good friends because i love his lame personality that makes my day and he's easy to talk to. but now, i have to keep my distance. and i hate it because i think i might just lose a friend.

well, life's just like that i guess. nothing more to say.
things happen for a reason? idk.
and i don't want to know.

| evening post |

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me .

what a joke, really. i don't think that such a thing will ever happen because i know that there's no way that someone out there will love me just because i follow them around. and anyway, that's stalkerish. but the thing about those lyrics that hit me was the determination that was in it. hen sian right? nevermind, i'm just crapping. :P

recently.. things have been quite flowy. i think sometimes i think too much, but that's just my conservative nature eating into my conscious mind. not too long ago (okay, maybe slightly more that 2years?) i used to love my life because it was almost perfect. my parents gave me everything that i wanted. i never really had to worry about material possessions and i had quite a loving boyf. even if he wasn't at the very least, i know i loved him alot, then.

fast forward to today, it seems that my character has shifted 360degrees. my parents still do what they do, but i'm not satisfied because i know that's not really love. material possession have become something that i can buy myself already - miss independent that pays for her branded clothes and things like that. as for love, i don't know what that is anymore. i don't love anyone, neither does anyone love me. love is non-existent because it's been replaced by the word lust.

i'm not afraid of people knowing because this is me. it's what i've become after all the years of growing tired of being loyal and loving. growing tired of constantly loving a person who didn't love me anymore. instead of being the one who suffers, why not be the one who enjoys all the attention? isn't that so much better than having to love others. i feel that it is. and it's become my way of life.

but that side of me is a character that comes out only at night. during the day, i'm unglamly clad in FBTs and oversized old school shirts. when i go for classes, i look a little better, but i tend to make myself look like a geek. and at night, it's a 360degree turn in dressing from oversized shirts to plunging necklines, flowing skirts that fly with every gust of wind.

seriously, the skinnier i grow, the crazier my dressing becomes. that was one of the very reasons why i was afraid to lose weight when i was slightly younger. but now, it's an all out fight to exercise more and become skinnier, for all the wrong reasons. i'm doing the wrong things even though i know it's wrong. but who care? no one cares for me. so why should i care. hah. ironically, i'm not saying that my friends don't care. they do, but in different ways. and i love my friends for loving me the way that i am. serious during the day, playful at night. sighs. personally, i don't even know what i'm really feeling. nice.

if you can imagine, i used to be very very very extremely conservative. things that weren't meant to be were never done. alcohol was a deadly sin and partying was never a word in the dictionary. but things have since changed. i still keep some boundaries, but most of them have already been broken. i drink, i party. hahs. of course there is a part of me that is still conservative and that's why, i'm still alive and in university.

and i think i've found someone who's exactly like me. nice.
at least i know i'm not alone.

| morning post |

2009-07-28T15:11:00.002+08:00

when the stars dictate it all .

according to my astrology, my 20th year will be one of great change, and i think that it's right. it's barely a month after my birthday and i've gone through so many major changes. some were on purpose, some by accident, but all of them made huge differences in my life and how i'm going to live it for the rest of the year. astrology also has said that i've already met my almost perfect match. i know who it is, i've liked him since well, maybe half a year ago but we're not together yet. we're just astrologically compatible.

now, since when have i believed all that bullcrap, idk. but somehow, it works to a certain extent. whatever. i don't know what dictates my life right now, but i really do hope that somehow, my life will just unfold nicely. hoping against all hope, idk either. right now, i just want to party. and enjoy his company while he's around me. idk how long it will be before this rship that we have between us will change in nature, but i'm enjoying the now and i won't think of the later.

can't wait for supperclub on saturday. :)
it's probably the only thing that i'm looking forward to now.
other than rag day.

2009-07-27T22:45:00.002+08:00

the mistakes that i make keep getting bigger .

but i'm not complaining because these mistake are those that make life so much more, fun. and crazy. and pleasurable. met someone like me yesterday night. okay, maybe not. i've known him for slightly over a year but we never really talked about our religious pasts. like me, he used to be fervent about serving God and ministry. but as the years went by, he found other things that completed his life, other more carnal, more secular forms of satisfaction, like music, studying, alcohol and so on that he thinks and still believes completes his life.

for me, i think i'm walking down the same path.
and this time, i know i'm not alone.

2009-07-26T12:18:00.003+08:00

ranting is all i can do now to save my soul.

they just want a body
and i just want affection and protection .
but it doesn't work that way
so maybe i shouldn't play .

a sunday afternoon in hall. decided not to go to church this morning and concentrate on hall stuff for today because there's just so many things going on and i feel that, going to church when i'm just going there because it's just a weekly "ritual" doesn't make sense anymore. i don't feel anything anymore. no matter how much i pray, read the bible and all that, it just doesn't ring a bell on anything anymore. i went for monday's overnight prayer meeting despite the fatigue of dance and the knowledge that i had practice at 10am the next morning. but, i guess that being pious doesn't help at all. during the prayer meeting, i sincerely prayed for everything that i was supposed to pray for. but that doesn't make life better does it.

family family family. it's just a word nowadays. a word that holds no meaning? a word that is just a way of saying that you belong somewhere, even when you don't really belong. i hate my past. no matter how pampered i was, no matter how i was able to willfully get everything that i wanted, it doesn't matter. the parents don't get it do they? i don't want money (it is essential, but that's not what i want), i don't want material goods (it's nice to have them of course, but it's not essential). all i want is for you to show that you truly care.

that YOU truly care. i don't care about how you feel about my other parent. i don't care about how my other parent loves me. everyone has their different ways of showing love - money is definitely not one of them, so just let the other parent love me in the way he/she knows how to. right. it's that easy. sighs. nevermind. the parents will never understand and my siblings and i will just suffer in silence, no matter how much we know we shouldn't be suffering this kind of shit.

i've always thought that when God brings a child into the world, the child should be surrounded by love and happiness. but as from the examples of lesser developed countries like africa or even india, we see that this is not the truth. even closer to home, singapore is full of dysfunctional families like mine where we face a different situation from our compatriots in africa and india. there, they are fighting for survival. in my case, i know and am grateful that i'm so much more blessed than them because i've got every material thing that they don't. but on the flipside, they have the genuine love and care from their parents and humanitarian workers whilst i ...

sighs. maybe i should just be glad that i'm not fighting for survival
maybe i should just be glad that i have the material things that they don't.
but material things fade away, die out or are spoilt
but love always stays.
that's why i envy them.

was talking to a close adult friend of mine last night and we were just catching up and she was giving me a listening ear. and i told her that i'm actually afraid to get married and have kids, no matter how much i really want to get married and maybe get kids. because i don't want the past to repeat itself. because i don't want my kids to suffer what i have. because i cannot confidently say that i won't vent my past on them. i'm afraid that i will, even though i tell myself that i don't want to let them follow in my steps.

we also came to a conclusion that i keep changing boyfs not only because i'm looking for the right one to come along (sorry people, i am loyal to every guy that i am attached to, but contrary to what you think, i get over them as fast as i became loyal to them. i'm no longer that girl who cried for one year for the same guy. that quelyn, is dead and gone), but also because i don't want to be alone at any point of time. i need that affection and protection no matter how independent i am.

i like being protected because i've spent too long protecting the ones i love without anyone sheltering me. i've spent too long being mature that i just want to be a kid at times. people say that i act like a five-year-old, a seven-year-old. how many of you spent your waking hours in primary school looking after crying infants. how many of you sacrificed your sleep, your time out with friends just to rush home because something happened and there wasn't anyone there. how many of you had to be burdened by promises unkept and dreams dashed because of your parents. i think maybe i'm not the only one with these experiences. but i feel that it's time to give myself a break from being mature and responsible.

that's why i became a party girl. my days are spent as a responsible student, a good shearite. i do my homework, complete my duties and make sure that they are all down pat pretty and good. but at night, it's time for me to let my hair loose, literally and metaphorically. i party hard with my girls, flow with the music and down alcohol like nobody's business (and i do take care of myself and my friends in the process). it's all part of getting my share of fun. i'll never be able to play on the swing anymore. i'll never be able to go take those silly pretty neoprints anymore. i'll never be able to do all that other people have done during their primary/secondary/JC days, but i do know that i can party like a rockstar right now.

it's the last few years of my life when i can really go crazy.

call it whatever you like, irresponsibility, voluntary madness - anything.
i don't care. because to me,
it's redemption.

i've spent too long ranting already i guess. but as i've said before. this is the only place where i can say everything that i feel and everything that's bothering me. so if you don't like what i'm writing here, there's always the browser that you can close. if you think i'm complaining too much then don't come back here. if you think that i'm writing useless things, then don't read. easy as that. it's the freedom of speech.

ciao for now.

2009-07-25T17:38:00.002+08:00

blogging from my phone again cause I'm on the road. busy busy even though it's already a saturday. had dance practice and stunts vetting this morning and then had lunch with the raggers at quite a late hour. decided that it would be useless to go for cg because I'd be so darn late, so yeah. I'm not there. to fellow cgmembers who read this blog, don't worry, I'm trying my best to hang on to whatever faith I have left. I think it's a skeptism thing at this moment because I'm not a very young Christian, just one who backslided before and never really found the strength to totally come back to God because of so many things that happened.

they say that bad things always happen to good people and I guess that's what happened to me. bad things happened, I backslided, and got exposed to the world and now, I can't really or rather, don't really want to let go. before, when I was young, I was a very strong Christian, one who served almost full time in almost every ministry. but I was sheltered from the evils of this world and when it came to a time where I lost everything and gained all knowledge, I didn't know what to do. it was like Adam and eve eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and found out that they were naked. they hid from God, but I ran from Him because it seemed like everything that I once believed in was a lie.

going back to a different church, I saw he lives of others and how they've changed, but I never belive that I can be like them cause I'm too screwed up already. I don't think God will save me anymore, but that's what I think. for me, it has to be proven before I will really believe again. I'm just waiting for that miracle to come one day. well, idk if I'll ever see it.

anyway, had a bit of time before giving tuition so I met Moses and went to bras barsah (however it's spelt) from hall. he was thinking of getting a tattoo and he took my angel idea. lols. so now he wants an angel on his left arm and then he added on that he would get another demon on his right arm - "angels and demons" anyone? hahas. I like being with him cause he's quite fun to talk to and of course, he's one of the rare gentlemen that are left on this earth. kay, maybe not gentlemanly, but he knows how to protect the opposite sex. meeting him tonight again to go to Chinatown to drink with his friends and then having an x-men marathon tomorrow night after the block BBQ. woots~

honestly, I can't wait for the BBQ tmr cause almost all the freshies will be there! anyway, I'm on the way to give tuition now so yeah. sighs. it's going to be another weekend burnt by hall activities, but this is the life! maybe I should get a hall boyfriend. so much easier than juggling a few outside hall. sighs. korie says I should go 6mths without a boyf, but hmm. with my personality, I'm too fun loving to not have one. lols. many people think I'm a playgirl, but I don't think I am. I just haven't found the right one. maybe I'm just the female version of YCS. he broke up with his ex barely three weeks ago and he's already got a new girl. I'm just, something like him?

no, I'm just looking for the right person to come along.

2009-07-24T22:32:00.002+08:00

| post 445~ |

we've got the best of the best this year.

obviously, i'm talking about rag, the one thing that fills my days and invades my dreams when i sleep. for it, i haven't been out of hall for 2weeks already because the days are passed with cleaning steps and going through run after run. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining - in fact, this is the time of the hall year that i love the most. politics aside, it's a time where we get to do so much more than everything put together during the academic year. almost 24/7, i'm with these people whom after rag, may no longer be as close to me. but, it doesn't matter because it's the now that counts.

our chairperson said it right, we've got the best everything this year, i'm very sure of it because the scale of things and the storyline, the people that we have are exceptionally good. there's no doubt about it. i've personally seen everything that the people downstairs are doing and there's no doubt that they're hard work is slowly bearing fruit as the props and stuff like that are slowly forming up. (sorry, i cannot divulge anymore because it's TOP SECRET. if you want to know, come down to the SRC @ NUS on the 8th of august and be blown away.) and really, the things that they do is MIND-BLOWING. just the design alone and i was like "seriously, this is what we are going to being to rag day?" it seemed like mission impossible just looking at the design on paper. the complexity of things, WOW. it just really blew me away to goodness knows where. but it was really really (insert word that quelyn cannot think of because words don't do justice anymore.)

99 people in the team, 1 goal.

and i truly hope that in all those 99people, everyone is putting in their greatest. i don't think i want to bitch here because it's not very nice. but well, we are only as fast as our slowest person and i see one person who is slowing us down so much that i just want to punch the living daylights out of her and scream "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PUTTING OUT AT STAKE HERE? YOU NOT DOING WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO WILL F- JEOPARDIZE EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WORKING FOR." but, the dance i/cs are not saying anything yet, so i guess that i have no place to say anything. i know that it's not just me that is unhappy with her, but we can't say anything because upper management is not saying anything. sighs. someone, please say something before my fuse burns out and i really lash out at her. that day will come soon.

2weeks to rag day, and i'm taking every minute seriously. fine, i may still be having fun and htht/gossiping around. but during full runs, i make sure that i really give it my all. f- this is the only place that i can really scream in and what i'm feeling right now is really edging on pushing through and giving up. more on the pushing through though. every single run we make, every step that i take, i just want to scream out in pain because my right ankle is not holding out at all anymore. but seeing everyone working so hard, i don't want to sit out. i don't want to miss any chance to continue practicing for what we're aiming for. i will have a lot of time to rest after rag. and now is not the time to say anything.

what can i say, i love my acting skills.

uhh. ok, maybe not. this morning some people pissed me off before i went for dance practice by screwing some important things up and i settled it a bit with them before going for practice and i was 10mins late. ohshit. i feel bitch monster coming up. fine. i'll bitch. i mean, i was 10mins late and you scolded me. HELLO, THERE WAS ANOTHER SNR WHO WAS LIKE 45MINS LATE, AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING? just because you and her are more "gum" doesn't mean that you should give her slack. seriously. 45mins. because she woke up late. i had a valid reason, she didn't. FINE. i mean, you never liked me anyway. and i don't want you to like me either cause it makes things more interesting this way. JUST BE F- FAIR. a leader who is biased towards her friends is a leader who has failed, totally failed.

anyway, after those two episodes, i was really pissed and while we were cleaning our dance, they said i looked like i was going to kill the floor. #1, i didn't look at anyone because my eyes would have murdered someone and we'd be one dancer short. #2, i wasn't smiling because if you went through the same shit as me, you wouldn't have smiled either. OK. BITCH FEST OVER. :)

anyways, coming to other things, there's so many emotions that i have to keep in check nowadays. feels really tiring because there's no place where i can really let every single thing out. miss independent has to do everything herself if you haven't realized. family, to me is just a word for now because there is not a single person in there that i can really totally count on. i want my own real family who is not dysfunctional. i want a perfectly normal family. is that too much to ask for? i think right now in my life, the most reliable people i can count on are well, maybe my friends. but, i'll never know until they go through shit with me and then i'll see if they really are my friends.

argh. life is like a really weird thing. i can be happy at everything, like really happy and high. but then when you come back down from that highness, you have to solve all the things that reality throws at you. nor really complaining about it because it's supposed to be that way. that's what makes life interesting. :)randomly, been listening to some new genres of music and am starting to like it quite a lot. appreciating it is definitely becoming something that i'm looking forward to because the music's quite good.

i know i'm slow dancing in a burning room
cause i see the walls falling apart already
but i don't want to run away from where i am
i'm going to face my fate head on from now.

2009-07-23T01:44:00.004+08:00

| 10.57pm |

lost in the eyes of a stranger.

just finished dance practice and it's looking good, even though most of the time it's only the last run that's the cleanest. for me, i've finally found the energy to throw into finale. now, for the other parts, i've got to get someone to psycho me into my character. KORIE, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU. (bleahh. he's in camp and he can't talk much. sighs.) but yeap. less than 15days to Rag Day and i'm really looking forward to so much more that day. my ankle's not going to hold out i think, but i'm going to give it my all no matter what. on the 8th of august 2009, i want to be crying, crying with joy because sheares hall once again will own the shield, and go to chingay next year.

and i think, seriously think that when i'm not in a serious relationship, i'm one of the most horrendous playgirls around. i've barely gotten over one guy and another guy has caught my attention. the only difference is that this time round, i'm actually interested in someone first. wow. there's really a first time for everything. he's not very handsome. he's not very outstanding. he's probably not really smart either. but, there's just something about him that makes me feel that he's different from the rest of the better looking guys. unfortunately, nothing will happen because he stays in hall, and i don't really want to date a hall boy.

other than that, there's nothing much really to update now cause it's the same as every other day. we're dancing and dancing the 10am to 10pm everyday. with breaks in between. OHOH! tmr practice is starting at 11am instead! so i've got more time to sleep in. YESYES~ oh. and i learnt to do the chicken little dance from vimal and can't get enough of yiyi's stupid lame fan joke that's so bloody funny. LOLS.

i guess that overall, i love the company of everyone in rag dance. we may all be different in terms of what we like to do, what we will be doing and the way we live our lives, but nowhere in the world will you find another event that brings people of different backgrounds really doing something so stupid together. it's these times that i'll really remember when i'm out there doing whatever monotonous job i get when i'm older (ah. hopefully it's not going to be very monotonous though. sighs.) though it sounds quite ironic and somewhat morbid, i think i'll miss rag dance days very soon. the practices are tiring, but it's really one time where you really get to be together as a group working towards one common goal every single hour and minute that you are together.

an experience of a lifetime that can never be replicated.

| 1.47am |

just one step at a time .

sometimes i wonder if it would be better if i never knew you. then maybe when we walk past each other, we'll just be like the rest of the world, strangers walking past each other without any interaction. but now i know that every time i see you around campus, there's definitely going to be the opening of a floodgate of memories that i can never erase because the times with you were just the sweetest, the safest that i've ever felt in a long time.

i want someone to come along and take that place that he left. and do a better job than him. unfortunately for me, God is unable to step into that position because of many many factors. die hard, pious, i-am-the-most-righteous christians will argue a whole thesis essay on why i am wrong. and unfortunately for them, i do not have the conviction that they have.

anyway, i f-ing busted BOTH my ankles again. but with less than 3weeks to d-day, there is no way i'm stepping out of practice unless i cannot walk. as long as i am able to move, i'll dance run after run after run. no matter how tired i am or how much pain i am in. i will not give in. i will not complain. i will just swallow and make sure that no one knows that i'm in pain.

i'm sorry, this is just me. i am miss independent.
who still needs to be pampered by you.

it's such a contradictory state to be in. fortunately, i'm able to balance out both. which is something that many many girls just cannot get. seriously. but that's not for me to comment on because each of us have our own life journeys to walk. and we all walk different paths, that's what make the world a happier, more interesting place. :)

well, sleep beckons at 2am.

2009-07-22T00:51:00.002+08:00

if you forget, why should i remember?
but then again, why then does my heart remember
what the mind doesn't want to relive.

you're getting closer to me.
in more ways than one,
and i'm starting to get afraid
because i might just fall deeper
instead of crawling out.

if i could turn back time,
would i do the same thing?

idk.

2009-07-21T02:31:00.001+08:00

i thought that this was something that i would never blog about, but it turns out that i still have to blog it out because i feel that injustice has been done to my being. seriously, i've lost respect for OSR & VL because they have so blatantly shown themselves to be unworthy of any. just because you two are a law and med student respectively doesn't mean that everything that you say, do or think should be placed on another person. your opinion is not the world. so what if you are smarter than most of the NUS population? we're all in the same bloody university. if you were so smart, why not go to cambridge or oxford?

and as a lawyer-to-be, you should be very familiar with the line "innocent until proven guilty". if you do not understand such a simple principle, i see that your career will be a very screwed up one because you will not be truly fighting for justice. without the cold hard facts on hand, you condemned something that didn't happen and it has made me feel very indignant because i shouldn't bear the burns of your worthless fury of self-righteousness and "oh-i-am-so-morally-right" claims.

COLD HARD FACTS beats your useless accusations, any day. FUCK YOU. hah. I WIN. it seems so childish, but knowing that these two people who are supposedly so much cleverer than me could actually fall under such a simple theory makes me feel that these snobs are getting their just deserts. and they still tried to argue back on that the point they have made is oh-so-right.

seriously, get a life. and by "life" i don't just mean mugging during the semester and traveling during the holidays. there's so much more in the world to enjoy, why just enjoy the larger things in life and not just the smaller ones. life's too short to waste and you two have wasted too much time burying your noses in your stupid books. seriously.

well, i've lost respect for you and there's no way you can earn something like that back. during term time, i've already tried very hard to save your face in my impressions of you. but now, you totally screwed everything. and i'm not going to feel obliged to respect you anymore, because you simply don't deserve something so precious.

2009-07-19T11:19:00.002+08:00

shite. woke up late and missed service physically so i'm catching it online now. it's going to be one really really long day. there's SHY and then there's the steamboat and then i'm giving tuition at 7pm too. sighs. why so busy. sometimes i feel that i can no longer breathe normally because there's just no time and space to do so.

2009-07-18T12:00:00.003+08:00

been really emo the past few days, but haven't really been showing it because i've been busy catching up with all my dance steps. i'm proud to say that right now, i've memorized all my dance steps like 99% and they're about maybe 45% clean (shite.) and so next week, i'll work super hard on cleaning my moves because it's less than 3weeks to RAG DAY! and i'm quite apprehensive about a lot of things. hall life is going to start. and then there's school life. starting in a new faculty this semester. taking new modules. and i think that none of my modules are similar to any of my friends, which is scary because i've always been in this comfort zone with friends taking at least some modules with me. stepping out isn't going to be easy.

i thought that i would never blog about him, but the thing is, he's constantly on my mind, so i'd rather write about him on the blog then keep all the thought in my mind to make me go crazy. seriously. i know that during ragbash i really had it bad when it came to him cause usually when i'm high, he's the one and only thing on my mind. and well, it sucks. too bad that there's no one who can actually match up to him, or else one of my bad habits will start to emerge. sighs. well, it's a blessing in disguise.

anyway, I HAD A HELL LOAD OF FUN AT RAG BASH! because there were a lot of fellow clubbers on scene and well, it helps to bring the atmosphere damnn high! love you party people. :) and i wanna go real partying someday with you'll. wheee~

2009-07-17T02:02:00.001+08:00

i miss you. i miss you. i really really miss you. but, there's nothing more that i can do. you're going to move into hall soon, i expect. and then you're going to forget about me, very soon. but, how do i forget about you? i'll try to. but there's no promises. unless someone else comes along and steals my heart.

2009-07-15T13:19:00.002+08:00

sent geraldine off to korea this morning. :( she's not going to be here for like 6months. i think i'm missing her already. as for me, i'm wondering if i will be able to go for any form of SEP. so far, things haven't exactly been running the way that i'm wanting it to go. if you still don't know, i haven't been promoted to year2 yet. my CORS classification is ARS1 because i didn't get enough modular credits the last two semesters. so this is going to be my third semester as a year1 and it's my last chance to really pull whatever i've created up to a level where i get at least some form of honors. so, i don't know where my SEP will be fitting in if i really go through with it. my business modules are still not pat down yet. my sociology modules are at least somewhere there. school school, is really a headache right now. but i've got to work hard to at least get my paper.

as for the heart, it's still in that state of not here nor there.

argh. things are really not going as well as i've wanted it to. hopefully, it will get better. i'm actually thankful that i have so many things to do cause it keeps me busy. if in the same situation but with nothing to do but sit at home and rot, i think i would be contemplating suicide now. but thank god that my life is damn happening and i don't want to die cause i haven't finished enjoying the world yet.

off to do SH4101 and then back to dance.

2009-07-15T00:14:00.003+08:00

tell me have you ever loved and lost somebody.

seems like rag dance is not helping all the emotions in me at all. during the day, obviously i won't have the word "emo" written all over my face because it seems that i'm already quite lonely in rag dance. missed the first week of intensive practice and i'm already starting to feel estranged from the freshies because they've been htht-ing alot the past week. and then of course, there's the endless runs of the whole performance that entails smiling and behaving kiddish, thus, there's really no room for me to put my real emotions on my face.

but at night, when i'm all alone in the room, door closed, blinds drawn, the emotions just sink in. and i realize that i cannot cry anymore. because, i'm immune to doing that. bbff once told me before that it's not a weakness to cry. but he lives in a different world. he doesn't know the world i live in and he obviously doesn't bear the responsibilities that i do. i remember that last year during LTC, i made a realization - as a leader, you never cry in front of your charges because it is a sign of your weakness. as a senior in hall, a future blockhead, i cannot cry in front of my hall mates. as a leader in school, i cannot cry in front of my charges. as a leader in the company, i cannot cry in front of my subordinates. as an older member in the cellgroup, i cannot cry in front of my cellgroup mates. so tell me, when then can i cry.

the answer is never because i've learnt so well not to cry that even in the quietness of my room, i don't cry at all anymore. as much as i want to, but i don't. not just because it's a sign of weakness anymore, but also because my mind is numb. korie says that it's not true and that one day, i will cry again. well, i'll just be waiting to for that day to come. maybe, just maybe it'll come sooner than later?

the number of friends that he and i are going to have in common is just going to go up because i just found out that the "secret" that he's been keeping from me all this time is that he successfully got into hall. not the hall that i'm staying in, but one where i have many, many friends in. and i don't like it because it means that i definitely will be seeing more of him in the future whether i want it or not. and that doesn't help in the "let's forget him" part of my plan. same faculty, hall with many common friends. sighs. the news just keeps getting worse everyday.

i want to forget that which i love.
create a new divide between us.
one that i can never cross.
or else i know that,
i will fall.
damn.
shite.
f-.

seriously. seriously. let me go . don't haunt me. no one wants to be alone and everyone wants someone to care. but he cannot be that person that will care for me. he cannot be. because of the so many, so many things that are between us, that is stopping me for loving him and because we started on the wrong foot as well. so many reasons which i cannot list out that keeps us away from each other. for all that's unwritten here, are streaks of paint that cuts the flesh and leaves me to bleed, silently.

someone take me away please. just bring me away from this space that i am in right now. the pain, is almost unbearable but there is no way for me to let it out. it feels like i just keep cutting myself up inside even though i look fine on the outside. the following song, is in the wrong context, but it's describes exactly what i'm feeling very aptly.

Bulletproof - Kerli

just a simple touch
just a little glance
makes me feel like flyin'
but where are you tonight
something isn't right
can you please stop hiding?

i am trying not to think about
all the things you did before
but sometimes it all just gets to me
i can't take it anymore
i'll stay with you
but remember to
be careful what you do
cause i'm not bulletproof

in your secret place
staring into space
leaves me feeling frozen
i just need to feel
that what we have is real
and i'm the one you've chosen

be careful what you say
be careful what you do
cause i'm not bulletproof

on another slightly happier note, i've learnt finish almost all my parts. just have to clean and get a few bits here and there right. but other than that, i'm on track and mostly about 90% caught all the dance steps already. they're not clean, but at least, i'm able to dance. now the next step is to focus on memorizing and making sure that my lines are clean, i'm doing the right thing with my legs etc etc. and to stop wondering if he's helping out in hall or faculty rag. stop thinking. stop the mind from f- running into the wrong place.

2009-07-13T13:24:00.005+08:00

if i said i miss you, would you even remember me?

just a few short months that feel like a year, or maybe even years. but at the end of the day, it still ends the same way as all the others that only lasted a few days long. i said to him "you're just another one of my flings in my 19th year." - but i didn't mean what i said at all. what i did know what that, i was running away because i was taking things all too seriously. after i said that, i put down the phone and started crying, wiped my tears and then changed to go out into the clubs for the night. to forget about him, or forget about the pain, i don't really know. all i know is that, i had to get over it.

it's been about well, three days since and i'm slowly opening up the memories again to think about all that happened. this person is the one that has been so elusive on my blog. but, hopefully after this post, he will never appear in this blog again. he was someone who was in none of my circle of friends and maybe that's why it was so hard to talk to anyone about it. the only one who probably knows some semblance of who he is would be korie. but even korie doesn't know his name. because he's someone that i've ever wanted but someone i can never have. i know all too well how it would end up.

he never said goodbye. the last thing he said to me was "happy 20th birthday". how ironic that it would end in the last hours before i turned 20. maybe it was a conscious decision that i had to end it before it ended me. right now, i'm not ready to take any serious relationship into my life because i'm wary of the coming year. afraid that it would affect my studies. afraid that it would affect the way i carry out my duties as a blockhead. afraid that it will change the way i relate to other people because having a serious boy would mean that i would want to spend more time with him, and i know that i will neglect everything else in my life. and i don't want that to happen. so i'd rather break him than the rest of my life.

it was a selfish decision, i admit. but in the first place, i don't think he was ever as serious as i thought he was. an open relationship that both of us didn't want to admit to our friends. i went out with his friends as one of his juniors. he never really met my friends at all because he always ran to somewhere else. but i think that this is where i'm contradictory in my thoughts because he is such a person. contradictory and ironic just like me. and the exact opposite of me. he wouldn't fit into my life. i wouldn't be able to fit into his. damn. but now i'm regretting. and at the same time, i cannot regret.

i guess the end of my quarantine and the start of rag dance comes at a right time for me. dance the hours away. dance the pain away. dance the memories of him to another land where he will be immortally the sweet person that i know him to be. a dream lover that i will never get. the past half a year to me, would probably be just a dream. a nice dream with one of the most memorable lovers.

nice one quelyn. nice one.

one last thing, the song that he caught my heart with . will become one of the anthems of my clubbing life. though it's quite an old song, it'll still always be one of my favourites, in memory of him.

What You Got - Colby O'Donis feat. Akon

i peeped you on the phone
just showin' off ya stones
and notice that pinky ring is right enough baby
i know you're not alone
but i could just be wrong
the way them fellas houndin' and sizin' you up baby

and i like the way you take advantage of every man you love
i see, i seem to know you game girl
but i don't mind if ya come and play ya thug just don't talk too much
i see you, you're so cute, you don't have to say a word

yeah those guys wanna come treat you right
cause you're sweeter than apple pie
everything that you want you got
girl you know that you need to stop
most beautiful thing in sight
always takin' on the spotlight
always in the club lookin' hot
girl you know you need to stop

girl i can tell you want something to love
that's why you hold on to everything that pass you by
can't resist girl one can't lie
now tell if you are here for me
or everybody watchin' you shake from left to right
the way you move got me hypnotized.

baby you live on somewhere out there.

| edit |

been dancing since 2pm and it's dinner break right now. today was a slightly slacker day, but i'm catching up, slowly but surely. but because of the number of breaks, it also gave me more time to think about things that i didn't want to think about. to be emo and yet have to have a smiling face and go through as if nothing happened, really is the hardest thing yo do right now because all i really want to do is lie in bed and not doing anything at all.

forcing myself to move is the best thing that i can do right now.

| edit |

some of the contents of this blog post have been changed (aka. salt and pepper have been added or taken out) so that they person in question will not know that it is him that i'm talking about. please do not ask me for his name or anything of that sort because no such information will be given out at this point of time. hopefully if he reads this post, he will understand something new.

2009-07-10T20:02:00.002+08:00

haven't blogged for quite a few days, but the moment i do, it's definitely news! :D I'M TURNING 20 IN A FEW HOURS TIME. and right now, i'm going to write well, what i've been feeling. my 19th year started with Rag Dance because i was in the midst of it at that time. it was also punctured with a surprise call from my ex-boyfriend, who is currently my bbff. and that was my first day as a 19-year-old.

the 19th year was eventful, with the many ups and downs that i've experienced. and it has really been a year of many new things as well. i started classes at NUS and screwed up my modules quite a fair bit. but, that was a fun experience. learnt japanese and french in school. had a taste of many things that i dreamt of learning or have learnt before, but had it taught in a different way. life as a university student is much harder than i imagined it to be. the amount of discipline that one much possess. the level of responsibility that one takes over his own learning. the passion that you show in each class is very evident to the teaching assistant or lecturer. there's much more freedom, and much more room for falling, very badly. but all in all, it's a growing mistakes. in my 20th year, hopefully i'll learn from the mistakes of the past and have a stunning second academic year here in NUS.

my 19th was also spent in hall for the first time, also marking my first year of independent living outside of the home. a year where juggling personal and social time was really a test because of the amount of social activities there were both in and out of hall. my first year as a shearite came with successes and disappointments. disappointments like not getting into the band as a singer because i'm not rock, nor powerful enough. not getting into geyao because i forgot my chinese lyrics. not heading SE well enough and allowing it to fail despite the fact that something could have been done about it. but at the same time, there were successes, like block comm, which i will be stepping up to head the coming year, and which was a great experience because i made a new family. level6, my pride and joy, no matter where in the world/society they may be in right now. convening comm where i had an experience marketing for an event and CMB where i kinda grew somewhat as well, in many different senses. overall, the first year in hall was a challenging, surprising and new experience that i will keep with me. the block suppers, buaya week, living in a room alone. the stress, the joy. the drinking sessions. the steamboat sessions. hahas. they will all be part of my everlasting memory.

i have about 10 more minutes to type all that i want to say because i have to leave this place to my next destination. this surprise period of time that i have to rest, well, is just amazing i think. at least i have a chance to blog before my 20th. and i did many things as well. some which i may remember to mention, some which i may forget. during my 19th year, i went for 2 auditions, 2 10km "marathons", countless clubbing parties. made a lot of new friends. was a mentor in PVC2. have a new family - Youth Factory. have a new family - Block Comm. have a new home - Sheares Hall. dabbled in many different languages. learnt to live alone. learnt to do laundry. learnt to spend my time wisely because there's just so little time! stepped up to various leadership positions. became skinnier by a bit. became prettier by a lot. :) hahas. danced my life away for a period. clubbed my life away for a period. became a little more sociable. because very much more confident about the way that i look. started to eat healthier. exercise more. grown somewhat closer to N415. bought a bikini. bought loads of new cheap clothes that don't look cheap for the first time. owned 2 new Guess? bags. went overseas for holidays with the whole family. played sports that i've never played before. found out who are my true friends and who are not.

hahas. so that's the end of my 10mins. i spent part of it dressing up. :P now. i'm getting ready to go out! oh. i bought a new 2GB SD card for my camera and i can take 1400+ photos! :D super happiness. i'm going trigger happy tonight. YEY!

2009-07-06T21:44:00.003+08:00

i don't think you deserve the friendship anymore. those so many number of years that i've pined away waiting for your friendship, i wasted. and the only thing left, is nothing between the both of us. the next time you return, we'll settle that last piece of unfinished business. and that's the end of us. because you simply don't care. because you only think of your f- self.

if you're reading this blog, don't worry, it's not you.

2009-07-06T09:13:00.003+08:00

what is the price we pay for the many things we do?
what are the wages of that which has to be done?

if i walk the wrong path this time round again, at least i want it to be a happy journey into the depths of the never-ending abyss. and, i'm willingly walking onto this path of (almost) no return because it's a one-way ticket to (mostly) disaster. between doing what is right but painful, i'm choosing to do what is wrong but fulfilling. the fulfillment may only be momentary. but that's all i want for now. instant gratification. waiting for so long, i haven't seen Him appear yet. no matter how much i pray or how faithfully i attend cellgroups and services, or how piously i do my quiet time - there's always no answer, no presence, nothing.

and i'm running back to the world. at least there, i'm wanted and used to my fullest ability, and my talents don't go to waste. i'll sing and dance my life away if that's the last thing that i do. but i envy those people who keep hearing from God. i envy them because at least they have some form of reciprocation when they pray or worship and things like that. i long for that but never get it. i'm still trying, still praying, still pushing on. but at the same time, i'm looking for what i need in the world as well.

but i have a feeling, that i'll never find it. not in religion, nor the world. i'm destined to hang in limbo all my life, as far as i can see right now.

to him,
boyy, will you turn back
and just take a look at me
every once in a while.
that will be more than enough.

and as for sports camp, this year, there will be no ending for me i guess. because after the camp got cut short, it marks the end of life as i once knew it to be. no more beach games, no more fun. just rag dance and more rag dance. those four days that i spent with SOZAI were really, the most fun that i've had since the start of the holidays. four days of running around and doing silly but fun things. i couldn't have asked for more. though short-lived, i can safely say that indeed, sports camp is one of the best orientation camps that NUS has to offer. YOYO SPORTSCAMP! - when the one day event comes, take the day and go have fun with it. make sure you have LOADS of fun, take my share as well because i'll be there in spirit to experience the atmosphere with you.

2009-07-05T21:04:00.002+08:00

we're as different as night and day
is there anything more to say?

thought about something for the whole day and i still cannot come to a decision as to whether to hold on or let go. but i do know one thing is that between me and him, we're both on polar ends of the earth. when two are as different as day and night, can we really be together? when two belief systems clash, can these two people mesh? i think not. but i'm still holding on, wishing that maybe, just maybe something different will happen this time.

2009-07-03T23:26:00.005+08:00

been a little sick. rar. and with all the H1N1 shite going around, i really hope that it's not that which i'm down with. been in contact with really, a lot of people in the last week plusplus because of my social butterfly schedule. but the people close to me seem fine, so i won't be too worried. yeaps. :) and i'll be praying that they stay safe.

God, if you ever hear me, keep my friends, family and church safe. i know bad christians probably has some like low priority thing on your prayer list, but at least keep me in line and answer my prayers k. and also, keep me safe. you know the condition my body is in now, so yah. I KNOW IT IS NOT H1N1.

Amen.

well, with that aside, one last line.

if we keep running, maybe we'll meet each other on the same road someday soon. until then, you'll never know.

and i'm still waiting for the day i can wear my bikini. rar. someone organize a beach outing soon please (but not too soon!) and i want a sweet, real boyfriend to take care of me. but i know that, we're not meant to be boy. unless you take the first step (again), we'll just hang in limbo till the day comes where either another girl catches your heart or another guy catches mine.

2009-07-01T20:35:00.001+08:00

my bikini matches my beach shorts. :D

2009-06-30T09:18:00.003+08:00

|10.10am|

a new day has dawned! hahas . yesterday's pool games was imba. :P loved the feeling of pool water. had fun in some weird plastic ball, but I think I'm going to start swimming at the SRC pool more often. after pool games was a mad rush for me. going back to hall to bathe then rushing home to get stuff and then rushing to another campsite to play game master and then back to hall to sleep! and that was the end of crazy day one. :)

day two is not so crazy because there's a lot of stuff that I can't play today. lols. so I'm the surrogate councillor. lols. standing in for nobody. but it's quite cool. cause it's like watching the fun and not having to get down and dirty. sorry, princess mode is on today cause I'm feeling quite tired. my group, "sohzai" is really quite "zhai" (colloquial hokkien for really super good) lols. will update later on in the day!

|1.09pm|

it's lunch time now and the group is at ECP. :) we were at kallang in the morning. lols. so it was kayaking, the cage (indoor football) and then dragonboating. technically the whole of today is sea sports with two land sports incorporated. had a fun time dragonboating and we won the other group! hahas. played some filler games and then took the crazy lorry to where we are now! so now, we're waitIng for the next activity to start and we're talking and stuff.

oh! hahas. I've become the photographer. :)

|5.03pm|

on the bus heading back to school. the afternoon was really fun-filled! :) I think I'm starting to enjoy myself more and more as the days go by. the afternoon was filled with skating, frisbeeing and windsurfing. had a great time playing around and talking to the people. yeah, I'm openly crashing already. hahas. like the whole world knows. but yeah. I think I deserve this short camp break before becoming a full time rag dancer.

hall "duties" are starting to call out to me because we're going to start hall life in like about a month's time. I'm looking forward to the new term because of the new responsibilities that will be placed on my shoulders but am also apprehensive at the same time because I am quite worried about my studies. as blockhead, it's going to be very different. my double degree, hopefully I'll be able to get and keep it.

ah. the view of the singapore flyer as we sail on the expressway. I'm still looking for that someone who will bring me there. hahas. but until then, I don't think I'll want to go there. didn't see the boy today cause the whole time we were at opposite ends of the activity rotation. hahas. but it's inconsequential right now because sports camp is all about having fun on our own. that's why the agreement. sighs. will it be too much to say that I miss him? yeah, I think so. cause we're not even together. sickening quelyn who doesn't know her limits. thinking about it, will this really be a relationship where I'll cut and run when I'm tired of it? idk.

we're playing station games. update later! :)

2009-06-29T13:08:00.004+08:00

did anyone see my birthday wish list?
i think not, so here it is again!! :)

0. cash. duh. hahas. so that i can buy stufff. (like maybe another new bikini? :P)
1. a red crumpler bag that can fit my very pretty 13" macbook
2. that crumpler laptop cover for my 13" laptop (red please, or even better, pink. lols.)
3. a guitar (doesn't really matter if it's second hand.)
4. cover for my iphone! that looks exactly like the one i have now, but in PINK! :D (the brand is Opt if i'm not wrong)
5. that pink gary fisher bike (even though i don't really like the shimano wheels.)
6. goodness, a DSLR! hahas. (second hand is fine too!)
7. topshop vouchers (for all those parrrty clothes)
8. zara vouchers (for all those ohsommm casual clothes)
9. speakers where i can dock my iPhone~
10. uhh. a boyfriend? hahas. (aye boy, wanna make my birthday wish come true? :P)

oh, if you still don't know, currently, i'm crashing sports camp and the reason why i can blog is because i'm staying in my hall room where it's home away from home! just finished some sports showcase thingy this morning, it was awesomest, even though i didn't really play much. i mean, hello. i'm crashing, so it's not very nice if i take the "place" of the real freshies and take away their chances at trying things out. i think i might try out the archery club thingy next semester and become a sports woman. (please, all girls have to continually add to their "repertoire" of things that she can do. it's only wise because that's how you attract the more powerful guys, by being a powerful independent woman yourself. *smirks*)

but oh goodness. it was seriously fun to the maxxxx. saw the boy! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOYYY! :) YOU'RE LIKE 21. i was going to shout out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" then i remembered that he doesn't wanna get sabo-ed/ so like, being a nice girl and all, i didn't say anything. but i think his OGL probably knows, so yeah. he's probably going to be sabo-ed anyway. hopefully it'll be a positive sports camp experience. lols.

(yeah. i think i'm slowly falling deep. and knowing it makes things so much harder. shite.)

oh, and i got a forfeit, but at least it wasn't those super scary ones that we all hear about. please, those are just rumors by people who are sore thumbs that they didn't go for sports camp. seriously, running to a wall and running back, how serious can that get. stupid people who make rumors should die and vanish into thin air because they're polluting other people's minds.

anywayy. they're playing pool games later at about 2plus. (i feel like i'm a reporter that goes "reporting live from sports camp 2009" because i have a laptop and i can blog everyday.) i hope they go to the beach tomorrow. i can't wait to go to sentosa, no matter how retarded it is to go "over the sea" for a nice day of sun and sea. (seriously, why is sentosa the only beach in the whole of singapore that is actually attractive and nice. ECP/WCP's beaches are literally bitches, dirty and smelly too.)

no, but seriously. i know this will definitely sound weird coming from me, but i love the sun. i just don't like getting tannnned and darkkk. see, that's the difference. i wish that there was a way where i could go into the sun and never turn dark. those melanine-blocking pills nonsense just doesn't work as well as it's supposed to be. and there's like a maximum amount that you can consume, so i'm not going to be stupid and consume more than what i'm supposed to.

argh. now i'm thinking what the hell should i wear for pool games later on. i have NO swim wear. just a bikini. and kanngg (who very nicely and lovingly took me into her group) says that i can just wear FBTs and a sports bra down into the water. ok. technically, i don't own any sports bras. i only have uhh. yoga bras (even though i don't do yoga). damnn screwed, i know. don't tell me about it. hahas. SERIOUSLY. I HAVE LESS THAN 15MINS TO DECIDE AND CHANGE!

and i just realized that my new blog skin doesn't like separate posts that are made on the same day. that sucks. so i'll have to keep adding on to the post before if i blog twice/thrice on the same dayy. sighs. RIGHT. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR. BLEAHHH, hates and loves at the same time. can i be skinnier? lols. nevermind.

2009-06-28T14:01:00.009+08:00

baby i love you
and i never want to let you know

finally, a little time to myself to start like really blogging again. :) i'm actually in the midst of packing my room, but i guess i could do with a little time off from the shifting and throwing and rearranging. been doing it for the past few days amidst my super crazy schedule that, seriously, goes on and on and on. oh, did i mention, i'm actually supposed to be quarantined and goodness knows what other shit. it ends today though, and i'm still feeling fine. so it doesn't really matter because i believe i won't have that super irritating virus thingy that's going around.

tomorrow i'm going for sports camp. not the full 6days, but just about 4days. and then the next 4days i'll be facilitating at LTC held in JBAC. i seriously do not know how i am going to manage it, but i know i will. seriously, this is the last "exciting" thing that i am going to do for like this holidays because i'm going to experience a different kind of excitement when i get back from all the camps - the excitement of RAG! :D i seriously hope that, he will join rag in his faculty/hall this year. then there'll be more chances of him being around in school and stuff like that. it'll make life so much more fun.

went out with DANIA JACOBS yesterday! :D babe, xoxo. i owe you a treat when i get back from the crazy plummet of camps. and we had a great time catching up on each other's lives and stuff like that. one thing that i took away was her telling me "don't be afraid to fall in love with him". i think that i've been playing around with people's hearts for too long that i've forgotten what it means to love. but, he brought back a glimmer of something that is familiar. i actually know that between us, is definitely not love. but i think i might just fall in deep. because of the way he smiles. because of the things he says. because of his gentleness and soft touch. because of the way he holds my hand so tight. because of the way he hugs me to bring him closer to his himself.

honestly, i'm not used to such treatment because my past boyfriends never did, and probably never will match up to the extent of affection that he shows me. i'm not used to being treated so nicely and preciously. i'm not used to being held so tightly that it gives me a sense of security.

but the "relationship" is just so, well. not there. because it's built around things that don't last. i think i don't deserve him and he thinks that he's not good enough for anyone. dear me. i don't know what this whole thing is about but, boy do i know that i want to stay with him by his side for a long time and continuously tell him that he is handsome and worth it. yet, i know there's nothing we both can do about it because of many, many issues that present itself against us, against me. for one, he likes me but doesn't love me. and because i know that, i force myself not to fall in. hahas. weird relationship that we have, definitely.

and so, baby i love you. but i never want to let you know. i want to keep the status quo and thus, i'll stop what i've been doing the past few days. and well, just let something take place somewhere else, if it happens. God, i know he's not for me, but i really do like him.

the next few days will be camp galore. so, i don't think i'll need to be thinking about him because there's just going to be too much on my mind. we'll see how things go and then, yeah. we'll just see how things go.

2009-06-28T00:50:00.004+08:00

come to think of if, it already has been almost 10years since i've known them. :)

#1: went for LTC Belay Schoo @ JBAC. seriously, waking up at 5am is really no joke (because reporting time is 7am.) but had a lot of fun refreshing my ropes course and meeting the other facils, especially the ones whom i don't really know.

#2: spent some great time with Ngern, Angie, Chuyi, WeiHao, Yoga, Fauwwaz, Amal and Choy (differing periods of time, but same location and activity) because it was just great fun with friends, talking crap around a BBQ pit and trying to get the food to cook. lols. hilarious.

#3: spent an AWESOME time catching up with dania. :) XOXO girl.

#4: unexpectedly met Uncle John and his company's people. and had a great time listening to their conversations on the many thing that make life what it is.

#5: I MISSED AUSTIN POWERS FIRST OG OUTING. :(

if i said i missed you, would you believe me?
happy birthday boy, though i know you'll probably never see this.

2009-06-26T18:12:00.001+08:00

MJ Died.
Stupid H1N1.

2009-06-25T22:54:00.003+08:00

MORE THINGS HAPPENED. i think because i'm going to be quite busy, i'm going to blog in this format until i have the time to actually sit down and write in detail. :P

#1: supposed to go to Camp Castaway at St John's Island, but in the end i couldn't go because there was some mistake in the ferry timing and stuff like that and if i went for camp, i wouldn't be able to make it for LTC Facilitator's Training on Saturday morning.

#2: went to school TWICE this week on days that there were no Rag practice, first to visit the business library and second to get my card to my new room in hall. and i am moving in tomorrow! goodness, the number of times i change check-in dates is like headache even to me.

#3: when i went to school to go to the business library, i met JINGYAN in school by coincidence and we went to Ngee Ann City for dinner @ the Crystal Jade La Mian XLB. hahas. that was like the highlight of her day because in the morning she spent 6hrs trying to renew her passport. like wth. 6hrs.

#4: met up with Nicole today for brunch and we went to Cedele. had a great time catching up and just randomly talking and stuff. :) friendships are just so precious to me and i wouldn't want it any way else. heees.

#5: met QiaoQiao after brunch with Nicole and we went bikini shopping. actually i was supposed to buy a tankini, but after that, we decided that i actually look better in a bikini, so i bought a nice pink one. :) really happy with my buy, but i am not going to buy another bikini anytime soon. i think i tried on at least 10tankinis and 25bikinis before deciding on the one that i got. sighs. but it was fun! :D

#6: i'm going for back to back camp from the 29th of june to the 6th of july. YES. 8days. hardcore camps. 29thjune-2ndjuly = sports camp (as the most beautiful and energetic crasher there can be around) 3rdjuly-6thjuly = LTC where i will be a facilitator to the next batch of NYJC leaders. i think i will burn out after the 6th.

#7: i randomly realized that i think i do like him. because of his smile. because of the laughter that seems to be jumping in his eyes. because he appreciates me the way i am. because of his hugs that make me feel i could be like that forever. but at the same time, i know that we probably won't be together because i don't think he likes me much. hahas. random right. i hope he never sees this, because i want us to stay the way we are in the status quo right now. i don't want him to change just because of what i think because i like him the way he is now.

#8: while packing my room, i found a lot of interesting random things and pictures that seem to come from so long ago, but i'm glad i found them because it's like finding a memory that you've lost so long ago. recovering it is like :) happiness. wheee.

#9: i'm still not as convicted as i should be in the way of Christianity. but i guess that i'll still continue going for cellgroup and service because i'm still wanting to find that conviction.

#10: I CAN'T WAIT TO CRASH SPORTS CAMP! :D

and a few more things!
MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING, HERE'S MY WISHLIST!

Obviously, CASH, and a few other random things

1. a red crumpler bag that can fit my very pretty 13" macbook
2. that crumpler laptop cover for my 13" laptop
3. a guitar (doesn't really matter if it's second hand.)
4. cover for my iphone! that looks exactly like the one i have now, but in PINK! :D (the brand is Opt if i'm not wrong)
5. that pink gary fisher bike (even though i don't really like the shimano wheels.)
6. goodness, a DSLR! hahas.
7. topshop vouchers
8. zara vouchers
9. speakers where i can dock my iPhone~
10. uhh. a boyfriend? hahas.

that's it for now!

2009-06-23T00:33:00.003+08:00

loads of things happened. :)

#1: i finally shifted the furniture in my room. it's kinda, well, half-done because i'm still clearing stuff on the other side of the room, but so far, so good. it's looking up real well. i'll have my reading corner, music corner, study area and enough space to dance in! :) proud of myself for designing the interior of my room this way. BUT! the room is currently super messy. i'd sue someone, but there's no one for me to sue. LOLS.

#2: i went for dance practice today and was pleasantly surprised because i'm learning more and more every time i go there and i think i'm making good progress, i think. i know my steps, but can't really catch the beat yet. the 3rd set is still a little blurry to me. but, it's good. all's good! :D and i'm enjoying dance practices.

#3: after dance practice, i found a new way home that will help me fulfill my 1000 steps/day. :) coooool!

#4: he's away at camp/ and is going to be so for the next few weeks cause the poor boy signed up for 3 back-to-back camps. silly boy. but that's the way to live it up in university! :D but i can't wait for the next time we meetup.

#5: i'm moving back to hall officially on the ~~29th of june 2009~~ |edit| i went to the hall office to ask if i could check in later because i don't think i should be leaving the room empty like that. sighs. ohwells. . i thought it was later, but my dance i/c actually helped us "book" our room from that date onwards. so might as well i guess. i'll be away for camp for a few days. but ohwells. :) at least when practice starts up, i'll have already moved in and will be roaring to go! :D

i think that's the end. i need sleeeeeep. and tomorrow's going to be another day of packing and maybe crashing of camps! actually, i can't wait to crash camps. lols.

2009-06-22T12:06:00.003+08:00

and slowly, you feel it draining out of you.

the last few days have been slow, but quite eventful i guess. i realized that i'm looking prettier as the days go by. and sometimes i wonder if it's because of a particular person. but i'd rather think that it's mainly because i'm taking care of myself better. to tell the truth, i'm still not eating properly, especially since i came back from the island resort. my tummy's just been rejecting everything that i come into contact with.

a few things have come to mind and i've decided to take them up despite my already crazy schedule. firstly, i'm wanting to get a guitar - doesn't have to be the very expensive one. even a second hand one will do for me now because i don't think i want to start of with a really expensive professional guitar just yet. i want to take up the guitar and start writing tunes to my songs. secondly, i'm going to interview for a job at PLAYER. no, it's not some dirty R-rated magazine. it's the name of a new restaurant/bar located at the south bridge road area. and the reason for doing so is because i want to earn more money to get into a talent course that may lead to something even more.

i'm going to chase the dream as i study in NUS. :) on my own strength? maybe. but hopefully as time goes by, God's plan will slow get into gear. if the world is not going to support me, at least when i die, i know that in my lifetime, i tried to chase that dream and i won't regret not taking action.

and with regards to him. i know it's not even a relationship. it's something so casual that sometimes i feel it won't go anywhere. we're like friends, yet more than friends, yet not together. but sometimes in life, this in between feeling is just nice. i don't need someone to be my boyfriend. just cruising along in his car and talking to him about every other thing in life makes me feel that it's more than enough. there's a part of me that wants more, but i know that it's something i'm not prepared to handle . so, this little secret between me and him is more than enough for now.

if there's anything that i need right now, it's the courage to walk on with my own life.

i've been outstanding to the world for far too long, taken too many responsibilities and forgotten about myself. so maybe that's why i'm so forgettable. even if it takes a long time, i'm going to remember myself so that the world will remember me as well.

ciao for now.

2009-06-20T15:38:00.002+08:00

if there has to be a word to describe what I'm going through now, it's just the simple phrase, confused. utter confusion in everything. I know where I should be going. I know where I want to go. I know what my end point should be. but I'm confused as to what the next step of mine should be. I'm confused and question if the path that I follow now is really the one that I want. and the best part is that no one but myself can answer these questions. so how then should I solve this dilemma. somethings that are happening now, I know is wrong and I shouldn't be doing, but these are the things in life that I enjoy. then there are the things that I supposedly must do but am not sure if I really believe in what I'm doing, but continue doing so because I'm still trying to find some sort of conviction in. then there are the things i don't want to do but end up doing because I can't say no to people in need.

talked to korie a while ago and realized that helping everybody around me but have forgotten about myself. right. something that I myself have known all this while but never really wanted to look up to because it's always easier to help others who are in pain instead of focusing on my own pain. I don't know what's the next step I should take even though I know what's the next thing I should do.

sometimes I feel like a forgotten entity because I'm like a classic timeless piece of art that is reatively unknown and nobody remembers this beautiful piece of art because they don't look for it. forgotten, that's the word. I do so many things that I detest just to help others but in the end i'm forgotten and left aside when I'm not needed.

maybe that's why he appeals to me. he holds me in his hand and tells me how beautiful I am despite my incessent protests that I'm fat. he looks at me as if I'm the only other person in the world next to him and then holds my hand tight as if he will not leave me. but alas, we both do not want to commit to each other because we both have issues. but I like this kind of relationship that we have. non-committal but fulfills both our emotional needs. and it's a comforting thing.

yes, you probably are thinking, what emotional needs, you seem fine to me. well, on the outside, that's what you see - me who is always so bubbly and happy, I like to be that way, my problem free mentality. but obviously all of us have our little secret selves who is different from the one that people see. the weaker side of our being, maybe even the evil twin. idk. what do you think.

I'm still desperately looking for an answer - one of the reasons why I'm still in church though I don't feel as convicted as before. I'm looking at all possiblities to find an answer. but have yet to find one.

2009-06-19T14:57:00.001+08:00

the clouds keep rolling on and
the world just passes by.

it seems like nothing has changed
and i carry on like nothing's
wrong.

but deep inside, i know that
things that used to be
are no longer what
they seem.

and i know that my view on
many things have changed
drastically, but i pretend
that nothing's
wrong.

and no one realizes because
they're just too busy to care
or because they just don't.

reality is what you don't see.

2009-06-17T13:03:00.001+08:00

when does it end? where does it start?
i honestly couldn't care any more.
i'm letting my life spiral into the unknown
and only someone who bothers
will pick me up again.

goodbye world.
till i meet reality again.

2009-06-15T21:01:00.002+08:00

i don't have much to say, and there's nothing much i want to say anymore. no one cares, end of the fucking story. God, where are you? i guess you've forgotten about me, and that's why my fucking existence doesn't matter anymore. no one cares. truly, no one fucking does. the people whom i care for, they don't realize how much pain i go through for them. the inability to chase dreams because i'm chasing theirs. i'm a weakling because no matter how much i say i don't want to live their dreams for them, i already am living their dream, because i care for them and i don't want to disappoint them. because i love them. but obviously, that love is unrequited. i'm not even talking about romantic love - the boyfriends i've had probably loved me more than them. i'm talking about family love. the mother doesn't care, the sister can't be bothered. the brother, at least still has some heart.

you want to argue? money is not love. time is not love. shelter is not love. education is not love. that's just what you can give. love is fucking unconditional. and i wonder why i am unconditionally loving them when they don't do the same to me. i always thought that it's supposed to be that way in families. but obviously, i'm so fucking wrong.

don't ask me about what happened. no matter who you are, i'm not talking to you. not even you korie. i won't talk. if you ask, i'll just shrug my shoulders. no one cares, so why should i tell anyone and start dehydrating myself.

the tears, they just fall.
the dreams, they just melt away
and that's how reality hits you

i looked you in the eyes
thought you'd understand the pain
but you looked away and said
nothing

when no one's here to hold your hand
when no one's there to let you rest your head
you know you're living in hell

everyday the clouds pass, time flows
through your hands, your fingers.
but the pain doesn't go away

and you finally see that you're all alone.

2009-06-13T01:10:00.004+08:00

:D finally back from all the camps, and flying off up and away to another place for a well-deserved holiday i would say. this year's SECC experience as a councillor actually brought back some dejavu moments for me. even though most of the time i wasn't there at night, it was still a different experience as a councillor. AUSTIN POWERS! :) damn proud of you guys for being the most enthu group. and i wouldn't have it any other way. hopefully for them, the experience was just as powerful as my own, because it was really after SECC that i was really super sure that i wanted to make it a place i called home. can't wait for Rag to come because this year, we have a very sure chance of winning the shield back to Sheares and trashing our arch-rivals - XXXX XXXXX XXXX. (name censored due to various reasons, but shearites will definitely know who i'm talking about.)

had loads of fun at the camps, not only with the freshies but also with the seniors. :) I GOT TO SEE MY LEVEL6! or at least some of them anyway. and i really have to say that, i still miss them and will definitely miss them even more when the new annual year starts. but with everything new comes even better stuff, so i'm praying and hoping for things to be even better under my charge. as for BlockE, i've already started brainstorming about some plans that i want to implement with the new batch of block commers. and hopefully they go well.

RAG. RAG. RAG. that's actually all that i have on my mind right now because it's something that i've been looking forward to the whole year. i admit that even though i have a dance background, it's nothing like the things that we do in Rag because they don't dance my genre. sighs. and that's why, i have to work extra hard to forget my original mindsets and breakthrough to learn the dance that they have choreoed. and i guess i'm also really looking forward to having loads of fun with the raggers. :) and hopefully with some new austin powers dancers too!

righty. sleep beckons, camp really tired me out totally.
ciao. :)

2009-06-11T04:13:00.002+08:00

Dear God,
I'm not always a very good Christian and sometimes I don't pray and things like that. But recently, too many things have been happening and too many people have been taken away or been hurt. I don't want all these to happen, but it has and I want to know how to handle these situations. God, please give me the wisdom to handle the things that have been happening, the people that are involved and for the things that are coming. also please, give me the wisdom to know what to say and do and know how to express the right emotion at the right time and not give in to personal feelings. Amen.

2009-06-08T10:59:00.002+08:00

recently with the onslaught of so many problems and frustrations ebbing its way into my life, i guess it's more or less time to stop thinking about them for a while. recently, like yesterday kind of recently, someone in one of my many extended "families" left the world, to a somewhat better place. hopefully she landed where she wanted to and that she has a good life from now on. and with the passing of a human being on this earth, i believe that there is going to be one more brighter star in the universe tonight.

but with such a passing, it made me think of my own passing on in the future. what would i do if all i had left was a year to live, or maybe two. what if i knew that i was going to die, what would i do? then i thought, maybe i should come up with my own bucket list. the older generation would be somewhat superstitious about this, especially since i'm not even 20years old. :) but, it's time to make a list of things that i can look forward and work towards.

quelyn's list of things to do

1. work at a theme park in the USA
2. fully sponsor a kid in a "third world" country
3. backpack through europe
4. backpack through china
5. travel on the Trans-Siberian Railway
6. take the road trip with nicole and JY that we've been planning since secondary school!
7. climb a mountain (not bukit timah hill)
8. run ten 10km "marathons", five 21km half-marathons & three 42km marathons
9. perform on a live TVshow
10. walk the whole Great Wall
11. visit all the "wonders of the world"
12. take 10,000 happy pictures of myself and others
13. participate in a national/international singing competition
14. ride in a hot air balloon
15. visit North Korea!
16. watch 10 broadway musicals
17. visit the Philadelphia Zoo :)
18. go CouchSurfing
19. be a CourchSurfing host.
20. visit Antarctica

well, that's all for now. but i think the list will start growing long soon enough. and as for me, it's ciao because i have to settle some stuff. sighs. back to real life? nah. i decided that all my different "lives" are all real in their own little way. :)

2009-06-06T03:49:00.003+08:00

sometimes, maybe just sometimes. i feel like i want to give up on everything that i have in this world, and return to zero. because sometimes i myself do not know who i really am anymore. i am both sides of the coin, two faces of the mirror - is this how i am supposed to be? how can i be so responsible at times and at others, i just drop everything and not give a damn about the way things are. how can i be so materialistic at times, but also need nothing in the world to keep me going. it's a mystery even to me because i'm so flexible with the way i am, with who i'm supposed to be.

some people call it adaptability, and i can understand where they're coming from. but i don't know who i am anymore. is it ok if i be both at the same time, or do i really have to be one character only. it's amazing what kind of random feelings you can have about yourself. and i'm wondering if this whole random bout is actually a period of self-doubt.

i love the nightlife, and the only full-time day job i want to have is to be a performer, an artiste. and for all you adults out there who have lofty aspirations for me, unfortunately for you, the last thing that i want to be is a lawyer, doctor, or anything that has me cooped up in a building from 9-5/ not happy? too bad because i don't give a damn about what you think i should be. i've had enough bothering about what people expect from me. the only rules i'll live by are my own.

and so what if my rules are full of havoc. i will go to ladies night without fail on wednesdays. i will not eat unless i feel like it, or remember to do so. i will sleep only when i have time to. i will keep myself busy at all times even at the expense of myself. SO WHAT. no one f- cares. mother says "go do what you want to do". the father, is MIA. the father's side thinks i'm an english-speaking arrogant ass. the mother's side thinks i should be a super high flying *insert typical 9-5, high-paying job here*. so much for actually CARING.

truthfully, i don't feel that there's anyone in my life right now who really really, sincerely and heartfeelingly cares for me. yes, there are those who SAY they care. there are those who TRY TO SHOW they care. but they are always short of something. people who care for me don't support my ideals. people who support my ideals don't really care for me. wts. really, God, is there no person who will do both at the same time, other than you because you are not counted because you are not a human being, you are God.

and coming to the God issue. sighs. where do i start. i've lost all the love that i have for God. totally and entirely lost it. but if you are a christian and you are reading, just be glad that i am trying all means and ways to get that love back. i attend cellgroup, service, bible study - sometimes i learn something and apply it, sometimes i'm skeptical about what is being preached. i'm sorry, i'm not perfect.

i wish i was back in 2006 and not fall in love with a certain person. then maybe i would still be serving God wholeheartedly, be having good grades and a great man as my boyfriend now. unfortunately, i made a wrong choice then and am regretting it now. again, i'm going to be fully honest because i don't really care what you think anymore. i finally see what people have been telling me all these years, it really wasn't worth it giving so many years of my life to that one person because i realized that he never really loved me. he said he did, but that was all bull. seriously. don't come and tell me "i did love you back then" because i won't believe a single word. on what basis am i saying this - by the way you treated me and the way you are treating her.

but that's over and done with.

ohgoshwhattheshit. there's just so much more that i want to say. some people call it reasons. others call it excuses. but i don't care what anyone thinks anymore because it's my life. Viva La Vida, long live life!

it was the wicked and wild wind
blew down the doors to let me in
shattered windows and the sound of drums
people couldn't believe what i'd become.

after all that ranting, you probably have one question in mind, or maybe many. but my answer to all your questions is that it's not that i don't care, i just want to see where the wind takes me. i've had enough of carefully planning what to do next or what step i'm going to take. i just want to live life day to day, in the wind. of course i still have my long term goals - being a singer, having my own fashion label, jewelry label, going to the grammys, the golden horse awards and what not. i've got dreams that are bigger than me. to be a philanthropist, do charity, sponsor education, materials, toys. build houses, orphanages, schools, libraries, wells, irrigation systems etc. - all over Asia and Africa. i want to not only travel the world, but also to touch it.

ohwhathighandcrazydreamsyouhave, SO WHAT! i know i'll do it one day in my own special way. the world will not go down without me making a difference first.

i have big dreams, and no supporters. but all the more, i want to push through that brick wall. because it's determination that breaks it down in the end. i believe in myself and a God above (who will do something even though i don't love him as much as before).

2009-06-04T18:54:00.003+08:00

I'M BACK! :) sighs. the blog is really dying away and almost rotting. but, the owner (namely me) has just been too busy to do any updates. the last few days have been quite roller-coaster-esuqe for me because there's just been too many things going on and too many thoughts running around. struggling quite alot between what i should be doing and what others want me to do. and this year, i've chosen to do what others want me to do.

long story, but that's what a blog is all about. for you to tell stories that would take too long to talk about. if you've known me long enough, you'd know that i love singing and one day, i want to be a superstar (oh, and a philanthropist as well). but, if you know the family, you'd know that they think that it's an impractical dream and they have their own little ambitions for me. dad wants me to do business, uncle thinks that i should be a lawyer even though there's no way i see myself getting into the law faculty at this point of time - and that's just the start of doctor (how?), economist, psychologist etc etc. and while i quietly listen to them rattle on about what i should do in the future, there are times when i just want to scream at them and say "DON'T EXPECT ME TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT YOU WANTED TO!" - honestly, if there is a dream that you cannot fulfill yourself, don't expect me to live your dream because i have my own dreams i want to live.

if there's is one thing that i hate adults for is the fact that they think that they always know more than us "children". but more often than not, it has been proven that we kids can actually be more preceptive than adults. on more than one occasion, i've told a certain adult in my life not to do certain things, or to watch out of certain events and people. but because i am just a kid, she didn't listen and on many, many occasions have made immeasurable losses. sighs. if only the adults could stop and listen.

三人行, 必有我師 - when three people travel together, there is always something that i can learn from the other two. which i fins very true in the very limited number of years that i have been on this earth. it's about life long learning. a student will always have something that a teacher can learn, a subordinate will always have something that will be of value to his boss. so when then are adults so adamant about what they say to us.

well, that's all for my ranting. next week's going to be busy and tiring because there's going to be camp. and of course about a million other things that will be happening. after the camp, i'll be off to bintan for a short resort holiday. :) well deserved i would say.

ciao.

2009-06-01T22:10:00.002+08:00

just one word - TIRED, physically mostly because i haven't had enough sleep.

i'm glad that PVC is over, but at the same time also at a loss because it has been something that i've been concentrating on for the last three months. but i'll fill that gap soon enough. had an awesome finale to the PVC yesterday at VivoCity's Plaze. obviously the family thought that it wasn't important enough to show up and support. well, i guess i'm getting used to it - the family not caring about the things that i do, putting down what i feel like doing and being just totally unsupportive of my dreams. they have a fixed idea of what i should be, and i hate it because i want to walk my own path and yet nobody cares about what i really want to do.

anyway, back to the finale, i had not slept for the last 4-5days before the finale because of many many reasons. and the night before the finale, i was up at VivoCity putting up the photos. it was one night where i really spent my waking hours doing something productive. made some new friends, caught up with some old ones. thanks for spending the night there together because, it really made a difference. :)

the day was even more exciting because we just had so much fun appreciating each other and well, just having loads of fun. my favourite part was where we ALL GOT WET! :D the mentors, organizers and kids were all in the fountain just having fun - even the medics were not spared. hahas. as for me, i got wet in the most amusing way. they carried me into a trolley and just let the trolley run through the fountain. LOLS. as scared as i was, it was total fun. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. wait, maybe i could have been more willing. :P

spent the whole freakin day sleeping unproductively. sighs. tomorrow has to be better.
for now, nights and ciao.

2009-05-30T02:47:00.006+08:00

if i could measure the way things have all gone wrong, it would probably be at about 98% right now and i'm on the verge of letting go, giving up and having a major breakdown. but i know i cannot because there are people who look up to me, people whom i have to lead by example to. why does it always end up this way? my patience is running low. my motivation and morale is not getting up either because of everything that has happened.

anyone who know me knows that i love the PVC project to bits because it's taught me so much. but, it's also taught me how much people take me for granted - and there's always a limit to everything and in this case, i've gone over that limit by at least triple of what i normally can cope with. but no one seems to appreciate it. and in the end, i think that i'm just letting it go. i'm glad that this journey is coming to an end, and i feel that no matter what people think about me right now, i can safely say that i've already given my 500%, given up so many other opportunities that it has no longer become a win-win situation. i've learnt alot, but i've also lost a lot, in fact, i've lost too much.

the other day, i suddenly realize why i love clubbing so much. i used to think that it was about the attention that i get when i'm out there in the club. then i used to think that it was because of the way i could get drunk and forget about everything else in the world. but now i realize that it's not both. the club is a form of escape. an escape from the world where i am the eldest, where i am the responsible and dependable and strong. because when i club, i step into a world where everything is just so fickle and frivolous. i don't have to be strong, i don't have to be responsible, i can just be me and have fun - even if just for that few hours.

but i realized that the strong front i put up day to day has got everyone believing that i'm really that strong. please. i'm independent, but that doesn't mean that i don't want someone to hold me when i cry, to assure me when everything is going wrong. no one in my life has ever done that for me because they all think that i don't need them. i'm tempted to type a long string of expletives here, but it wouldn't be right to desecrate my blog as such. argh. this is not narcissism - i was on the bus just now and i realized how much i have not been taking care of myself, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. i keep giving and giving and giving even more - time, effort, energy, money, but i fail to look after the legs that i need to dance with, i fail to strengthen my spiritual life, i fail to let out all the bottled emotions.

ohgosh. i could lament about everything for the next few million hours. but i won't because there's just so many things that other just don't need to know right now. yes, this is my attitude towards life. if you have a problem, just come to me and i will listen to you. but if i have a problem, i shut the world away from my problems and just take on even more things while i silently try to solve these problems.

why do you do that? you may ask. because i've seen enough of how much the human heart can take. maybe it's because when i was down and out a few years ago, no one could understand my feelings. "don't cry" they said, "he's not worth crying for". sure, i agree that the tears weren't worth it for him, but why couldn't you just let me cry? it might not have been for him. i realize that i was actually taking that opportunity to let out every single tear that i wanted to for the last probably 17 years of my life.

i know people envy me. they envy the family that i have, they envy the friends that i have, they envy the material possessions that surround me. but don't they know that this is all a front to cover my frail self? i use what i have to make me a more confident person. i take up more responsibilities to make myself a more useful person. that's because i want to change for the better, i want to be more positive. but people don't know the truth.

i want to be strong, but at the same time weak. how does one strike such a balance? i'm always there for people, but when i'm falling, who's there to catch me?

i don't have any answers. and i don't want any answers right now.

2009-05-27T22:20:00.004+08:00

a bit of sudden emo-ness/ do forgive the post. and if you don't like it, you can choose not to read it or just leave. there's a link on the side to leave this blog. :)

was watching my friend, vk's dance performance dvd and came across this particular dance that was somewhat disturbing, but at the same time, the lyrics of the song just hit some heartstrings in me. because, i'm not bulletproof - and even though you don't see it, just like you, i too will cry and feel the pain of many things, but i just don't show them because they are a sign of weakness to certain people, and i don't show weakness unless i know i can trust you.

the last two to three weeks, i suddenly realize how fragile i am. yeah, i haven't blogged about these because so many things have been happening to the people around me and i'm just so overwhelmed helping here and there and everywhere else that i tell myself "quelyn, there's no time for you to think about yourself and these feelings right now" - because i have to be strong for others. because i have to protect others. because i have to be there for them. because i have to show that i really want certain things to be happening.

but people still ignore me and take my presence for granted, as if i am supposed to be there, as if it's a duty for me to be there. but they don't know the pain that i struggle with. right, it's still partly my fault because i don't say it out loud. but it has become a kind of habit for me to keep on protecting others and ignoring myself - not exactly the wisest decision that i have made in my entire life.

and recently, i let someone who left come back into my life. although i've allowed it, i'm still somewhat apprehensive about it. it's not that i don't want this friendship or anything of that sort, but there are just some hurts that a "sorry" doesn't always cure. of course i've accepted it, but you still have a lot to prove to me - i hope you're reading this blog because if you aren't, these are things that i won't speak to you about because i know that we'll have an argument about it and we'll be back to square one. honestly, exactly will never be exactly, and it's a word that i never use to speak about the past and future. you once told me to never say "forever", i'm telling you never to say "exactly".

even if it hurts you, i'd rather be honest and say that there's still a part of me that doubts you because of the way you left. it still haunts me that you could have done something i would consider heartless - according to my standards of friendship. but you probably thought that it was right, and i will never understand your kind of mentality. and i will again be honest and say that in my mind, i've got some really negative impressions of you, formed because of what you did, and you have to prove to me that those impressions are wrong.

i am trying not to think about
all the things you did before
but sometimes it all just gets to me
i can't fake it anymore
i'll stay with you
but remember
be careful what you do
cause i'm not bulletproof

be careful what you say
be careful what you do
i'm not bulletproof
i'm not bulletproof

"bulletproof" - kerli.

yes, i am strong on the outside because i know that i have to be. because i want to be the friend that is there for you in your dire times of need. because i want to be the friend who will always be there to lend you a shoulder when you cry, a listening ear when you are troubled, a place of rest and solace where you know you can get drunk and i'll always be there to make sure you make it back safely.

but i too have feelings, i'm not bulletproof.

2009-05-26T11:31:00.003+08:00

the last weekend was a very long and tiring one, for various reasons that are unable to be explicitly said on this public space. but at the same time, it was fun and fulfilling as well because there were friends and of course, my level6 guys - i saw four of them, really happy that it happened! :) and of course, I GOT ADDICTED TO ROCK BAND @ elbey's. hahas. seriously, singing and bass = WOOTS! can we have more rock band sessions.

but i think the most fulfilling thing is not only did i complete my PVC goal, but also i broke through my own mind issues on running and i did almost 7-8km before stopping. but well, the aftereffects are quite bad because, i forgot to take care of my ankle, again. not on purpose though. i did slow down when it started getting painful, but i just didn't stop running. i didn't want to give up. not like my last marathon where i started walking at 1km - can you believe that? LOLS. but from 1km to 8km, it's a feat for me and it's really inspiring me to go even further and faster. :D

but don't look at me as if i'm always so strong. i have my own down moments too, but i just have no one to share them with (i lost my confidante a few months ago) and i keep them to myself. so everyone thinks i'm strong and always without any qualms on life. but i guess, that's the image i portray. but at the end of the day, i'm definitely going to get a man who is going to be protective of me. :)

but for now, when i cry, who will wipe my tears away?

| edit |

I'm back in hall again and currently blogging from the very happening phone that I have. :) back in hall for camp and it kinda feels like I'm back "home" cause there's just so much that these walls hold. the memories that lie in the corners, memories of forgotten people, of short friendships, of lasting friends that just seem to go on and on. :) but mostly, it's also of the quiet times that I have studying in my room, lazing at the rooftop and watching the stars. I think I'll really miss this place in year 3&4 because I won't be staying here then. it seems like such a faraway thing to think about, but from my experience, when you're having fun and doing things that you like, the year passes like a flash of lightning.

especially when you're staying in hall, it like a secluded island because you are self-sufficient on this campus island and it's so soothing that you don't really feel like going home. the peace, quiet and privacy that you enjoy is bound by these very walls you stay in. and when you feel like you're somewhat cut off from the world, you just feel at ease with re current status quo and forget about everything else.

if anything, hall will be something that I'll be missing for the next few months until I really move back in august.

2009-05-22T12:27:00.003+08:00

hello peeps! it's a nice sunny day today! :) albeit a little too sunny for my liking. it's the end of the second week of holidays and as usual, i'm still procrastinating the packing of my room - unfortunately. but it's progressing. so i thought i'd make a little list of to-dos so that i'll really do them. after blogging i'm going to reformat my iTouch and i'm going to sell it. sighs. it's first generation, so i don't expect to earn much from it, but hopefully i get a good price - i'm going to cash converters. been watching "it started with a kiss" and "they kiss again" (a taiwanese drama) for the past few days and i'm really thinking about quite a few things. but basically, i guess i just need some space for now.

THINGS TO DO!

1. PACK THE ROOM and give it a new look. :) by the middle of June
2. FINISH THE PVC RACE STRONG and start getting more photos NOW!
3. START GYMING and get a fabulous body for the new semester
4. READ AT LEAST 4 BOOKS during the holidays
5. GET A JOB
6. THINK ABOUT RAG DANCE AGAIN
7.BE MORE COMMITTED TO CHURCH

right. there's the list of things to do. sighs. i have a race this sunday and i haven't really gotten anything done yet. sadly. so i think my race timing will probably be like 3hrs! but i pray not. some cute guy will be there on sunday. hahas. and i seriously need a job because the holidays are really killing my pocket. totally. there's just so many catch up sessions and outings that i'm already at my wits end as to what's important and what's not because everything seems so important!

going out in a while to cash converters. bye iTouch. sighs. but it's for a good cause - i need to get money for my building fund, so it's technically to fulfill my promise. hopefully, i'll be able to fulfill it, even though there's only one week left and i have no money and no job etc. etc.

and i can't wait for tonight! :) gotham penthouse party with 4 of my level6 guys who are coming down. plus elbey and the other guys. whee. :) it's going to be really exciting. and then there's tomorrow with cellgroup and then 29TH'S 3RD BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!! hahas. i can't believe we're already three years together. 29thSC, I LOVE YOU!

okkk. going out already. BYE!!

2009-05-21T22:35:00.003+08:00

welcome welcome to a new look! but it's not totally done up yet though. :)

it's just less than 10more days to the middle of the year, and before all my camps start rolling in, i just had to change my blog skin and also wanted to share my first half of the year with everyone who reads this blog, and hopefully, you'll be blessed because i know, i have been. :) there's so many things to share, and i don't really know where to begin, but here goes!

#1: i remember that when i started the year, i had a new year resolution whereby i wanted to love other people more than myself. and i think that the resolution spurted out from this revelation of my self-centeredness and of course, from a revelation from the bible - love your neighbours as you love yourself. i first took up the challenge of project vibrant colours because it actually forced me to go and think of other people and serve others as well. and i think that this resolution is something that was very worthwhile, because the journey that i took to where i am today was a very fulfilling one. i wouldn't say that i love unconditionally now, or am totally not self-centered anymore, but i know that i'm on my way there. :)

#2: PROJECT VIBRANT COLOURS! personally, i don't think i have been a very good mentor because i've been busy busy-ing with so many other things that i feel that most of the work on OneFive has been done by Yvon. but, it was still worthwhile embarking on this project because i know that i have grown to see myself in a different light. i'm also seeing many of my own personal strengths and weaknesses that i can cultivate and change. and even thought the project is coming to an end (finale is on the 31st of may!), i am still learning alot about myself and the people around me. if i could turn back time and go through the journey again, i wouldn't do it any differently because i wouldn't have learnt as much. i'm also thankful for the groups of people that have walked into my life, and i hope that they do not walk out anytime soon because you'll are all wonderful people! :)

#3: Sheares Hall! :) is definitely an enriching experience because i really learnt a lot about leadership, relationships with people and living in a communal setting, as well as living independently. having to take care of your own room, laundry, meals and basically, yourself, was a very different experience because if you know me, you'll know that i'm very pampered and very used to people taking care of me - and in fact, i still like people taking care of me. but it was fun in a way because i made so many friends and had so many fun times, especially with my oft mentioned level6 boys. from SECC to Rag and then to Block Comm, the journey has been a really fun and enjoyable one. i'm also very proud of my BEP! :)) hahas. looking forward to another academic year in Sheares!

#4: GOD. :) i think that throughout this half a year, one thing that i really gained back was not religion, but my relationship with God. it took a long time and honestly, it's probably only the last three weeks where i really started going into the flow again. it was a really long and painful journey because following the ways of God and living in the lifestyle is not easy. in fact, it involved a lot of sacrifice and giving up things that i either treasured or couldn't let go for a very long while. i wouldn't say that i'm very holy - i'm still very much in the world if you realize. but whenever i'm in the world, i make sure that i'm not of the world. i changed a lot of habits and toned down a lot on my behaviour because i want to be someone that God will be proud of - Daddy's Little Princess is back on track and ready to take the world by storm! lols. :D thank you God, and Brother Joe and everyone else, for not giving up on me.

hmm. that's all for now. it's 11.26pm and i want to head to bed cause tomorrow is going to be a long day. i'll see you soon dears! :)

| edit |

monday and tuesday passed by quite fast with nothing much going on except spending time at home packing the room or reading at starbucks/coffee bean/gloria jean, as well as spending sometime with the family. wednesday was a little more exciting because i went ladies night-ing at phuture/attica/arena. and i think it's going to be my last ladies night for the next month because i'm going to be busy with camps and other things. lols.

thursday, which is technically "today" was spent quite well too. slept till about 10plus, or was it 12plus, i can't really remember. but i went out to meet QiaoQiao @ tcc and we htht-ed until 5plus before i had to run off to meet bella, xinying and cherylkang for dinner. met at 5.45pm, city hall mrt station and made our way to timbre @ the substation. as you know, putting 4girls togehter = disaster when it comes to looking for directions. so, i took out my very reliable iPhone! hahas. and because it uses a GPS tracking system, there was a blue dot that "followed" us on the the map as we moved. and our very hyper cherylkang was extremely excited about it and she ran on the roads of city hall just to make the blue dot move faster! hahas. but we had a really good time at timbre. however, it's time to fall asleep now because i need to sleep as much as i can before race day. hahas.

NIGHTS!!!

2009-05-20T12:26:00.002+08:00

it's ONE MONTH AND THREE WEEKS PLUS ONE DAY to my 20th, and i honestly tell you, i have absolutely no idea what i want to do for it because i foresee myself dancing away. sighs. can i get a day off from dance? :P and guess what, i might be spending my 21st birthday in the USA!! because i'm intending to apply for that work and travel program. hahas - so many plans, i know why my bbff complains that i have too many things to do. but too bad, that's the way i live my life, i don't waste time taking things slow because there's just so much to explore and experience. :)

right, now if only i could remember why i opened this page to blog.

OH! yes - it's because i was at tampines the other day after church and i went there to meet my daddy (whom i haven't seen for about a year) and on the way, i saw this fun fair by uncle ringo and it brought back so many wonderful memories of when i was younger. :) and i couldn't help it but write a short little poem - ah, i miss writing them. after coming to university, life's just been blazing pass me and i've been having so much fun, i haven't been able to just quietly sit down and write. so here's the little poem. simple and contains the memories that i feel are the most important to me. :)

ferris wheels and carousals
pirate ships and water balls
memories of childhood past
reminisce of good times passed

going out for the night.
can't wait for dinner with the girls on thursday
can't wait for friday's party at gotham penthouse
can't wait for 29th's birthday on saturday
and can't wait for sunday's marathon & JUMP!

2009-05-18T20:42:00.004+08:00

the perfect imperfect man. :)

just some little ranting updates before i start on my post proper. spent today quite well i would say, met up with xinyi at raffles city to talk about some blockhead stuff. :) if you remembered, I'M GOING TO BE BLOCKHEAD NEXT YEAR. lols. and i'm actually super excited to take the challenge up, even though i know it's not going to be easy. anyways, talked with her for about an hour about some block stuff and much. after that, read a bit of "carnage and culture" - the book on military history that's currently my leisure read. hahas. thanks to terence for lending me the book. :) then met up with my mum and got a hair cut instead. lols. haven't had it cut for almost more than a year already. but now it's shorter. i think it's pretty, but i'm not really used to it yet. all in all, i think i had a fulfilling monday. :)

now, back to the post proper! the "perfect imperfect man" - some thing that joyjoy and i brought up while we were in the cab on the way back to bishan on like monday morning after fellowship. hahas. i've been single for a long long time, and i intend to be until the right one comes along. currently, i would say that there are a lot of good "candidates" around me because the people i've been meeting in school and through friends have really been quite good catches. but they always fail in one aspect - they're rarely christians. and those christians around me, well, let's just say that so far, only one person has passed most of my criteria, but he's not looking yet. wonder where all the good guys have gone? - either they're already taken or are not christian. >.<

but, i believe that even if that one person i know does not like me at the end of the day, there will always be that perfect imperfect man out there for me. someone who will support my (however unrealistic it may seem now) dreams and be the one to pray and encourage me everyday for the rest of our lives, someone whose dream i can support as well from which ever position i am in when i step up into my destiny. like all other girls, i do have my fantasies of what kind of guy i would like. but recently as i've been reading the bible more, it seems that the list of "must-haves" are increasing by the day because i keep having revelations of what a good, godly guy should be like and, the more i read, the more i want that kind of guy.

of course, i'm not wanting a god to be my husband, nor do i want a pastor-to-be as my husband-to-be. but i believe that even if this man is not god, nor a pastor, he will still live up to my expectations of a man. afterall, we are under a really strong pastor who advocates that guys are "male by birth, man by choice". :) and that's something i strongly believe in. until a guy proves to me that he's worthy of being called a man, i always call them "boy". hahas.

but i guess the standards have not really been set yet because these guys around me are just learning to be men. as for me and my standards, i would still say that there's still that one person whom to me is a man already, but let's not get our hopes up too high. :P and i know that more men will be coming my way. i'm just 20 this year, and i'm not in any rush to get married and what not cause i'm enjoying the sweetness of singlehood. :) whee. plus, i just started out on my journey with God anew and just had my first breakthrough. i'm not willing to give up my God for a relationship at this point of time unless i feel that the person is really really worth it.

the other day i was sitting next to you and realized that you've really changed so much. because sitting next to you, i finally feel that you've become a man. :) that moment, my heart skipped a beat. but i realized that we're both not ready and that i'm not good enough for you yet because in my current state, i cannot support whatever dreams you have.

adios dear readers! :)

2009-05-17T03:32:00.002+08:00

another fulfilling week passed by! :) i think this blog will probably be updated on a weekly basis until further notice, but once a week is a good number i think because this holidays is going to be busy busy! something i've been bother about (and have blogged about countless of times) is finally settled, for good. i had a great week behind me, and learnt a few painful lessons in the process i guess, about not only myself, my spiritual life but also about just life and how i should be living it the way i should be. i'm not really those "holier than thou" kind of people - if you know me, you'll know how true that is, but along the way, you do learn lessons about how to live a better life.

i need to say this totally loudly - I'M FINALLY BACK HOME!! :)) although i am quite sad that i'm no longer living in hall, i think home is still the most comfy place where i can be in. nothing beats the feeling of home, even though it's mostly empty (as in devoid of human presence). and i moved everything from hall back home in 40bags. woots. :) so next year when i move back into hall, i will be able to start afresh, away from that room of old memories that i am still deciding upon. next year, i'll be back with a vengeance because there will be huger responsibilities placed on my shoulders, not just in hall, but also in my walk with God because i'm joining a ministry! :D starting out with something a little easier, Attributes. quite excited to start serving even though i don't know when i'll start, but it's definitely a breakthrough in my walk with God.

monday was spent at home, packing and packing. plus, i went for a job interview, but i don't think i'll get the job because i have a feeling the interviewers thought that i was not hardy enough for the job. :(( so far, finding one has not been really successful because i've sent out at least a hundred applications to different companies, but i only had one reply so far. but i think that day was well spent because after the interview, i decided to take a bus down to velocity @ novena to meet my mum for dinner. i had about an hour and a half to kill, so i checked out the shopping center. even though it's been there for like about close to two years, i haven't really gone to see that place. lols. had a great dinner with my mummy on the official first day back home.

tuesday was spent lazing away and packing. i miss the feeling of lazing at home, but i don't miss it alot, as contradictory as it may seem. and it kind of makes me have this happy little feeling because there's these spare hours for myself where i can just laze away with a drama playing on the television and most of the time, i end up sleeping! hahas. gave my wardrobes a new look by repacking them, and today is sunday, but it's not done yet because i realize that i don't have enough space for all the clothes. not that i'm still complaining that i don't have clothes, but, they are a woman's way of expressing herself. :)

wednesday was spent, still packing, but with an extra night activity - LADIES NIGHT! finally, after so long. the last time i went clubbing was way back in february, but it took a backseat to studies and stuff. went with QiaoQiao and her friend Jean, and unexpectedly met my BEEK! :D Phutured, Arenaed, Atticaed. saw a cute bartender at Attica, but his service was real slow because there were so many people at the bar!

thursday was mostly used to catch up with sleep and some more additional packing (40bags is really no joke). took some time off the schedule to have BS and fellowship with OMC and geraldine. and then off to ButterFactory! haven't been to butterfac since it opened its doors at onefullerton, so it was quite an experience and i felt like a novice there. but i think the music was really good! went with QiaoQiao, Jean, and the new addition, WINSON! :) unexpectedly met elbert and paul, along with their friends nan and alvin. and i had one rocking time partying the night away.

friday passed really quickly, but had a great time with my family. mum took leave and we went out for lunch. then went shopping! :) i got a new pink drum bag and pink sports bra for my upcoming marathon season! my reason for getting that pink drum bag was that it would be easier to find it, especially at the bag deposit. :P and then we went to buy stuff at the supermarket and we cooked dinner together! fried wanton and udon with meatballs, mushroom and bamboo shoot soup. whoo. it was a really great time!

saturday and sunday really melted together because i haven't slept since i woke up on saturday morning (it's currently 4.30am, sunday morning). woke at about 10am and caught some television (digimon and something else that the brother was watching. lols.) before heading off to cellgroup at brother joe's house. bought a whole box of robitussin (however that's spelt) because i've been having this really bad throat thingy going on since friday, and it's getting slightly better, but it's still painful, especially in the ear when i swallow my saliva. RAR! cellgroup was awesomest because of the message and then after that, N415 had a BBQ! didn't eat much cause i couldn't swallow anything proper. played some games too and we lingered at the place will 11pm where we got chased away by the guards. :P after that, headed off to more fellowship at somerset with karen, lester and clarence. met with JOYJOY!! :D SANTY! VINCENT! hahas. exclamation marks are the new commas, as well as Judy, Aaron and Keith. :)) woohooo. sent santy home and cabbed home with joyjoy clarence and aaron.

and now that i'm home, i don't think i'm going to fall asleep because i won't wake up in time! lols. but rather, i pondered on a question that has been bothering me somewhat the last few days. i'm not afraid to blog it because i consider it a passed phase of my life, never to be resurrected again. and also because i feel that there are other people out there who should know about this too, because it may just help them get through a tough period of their life. :) i used to change boyfriends as fast as i changed my clothes - they were relationships that mostly revolved around movies, dinners and random walks around the city, and i ended most of them really fast because they were not really what i wanted, because i got bored, or simply because they didn't live up to my standards. but one day, i questioned myself, why do i do this? and i realized that it all came down to one person whom i met three years ago - and every guy who came around just didn't match up to him.

so, i decided to confront that person straight up, and when i did in all truth and honesty, i guess he wasn't man enough to take the truth and he started pushing the blame on me. i guess that the blame game is something that none of us, as Man, can ever play fairly because we will mostly think that we are the party who is right and that the other party should be at fault. i don't blame him for doing such a thing, but through that process, that person really hurt whatever feelings of love and friendship that i had for him. it just totally killed because when friends are honest, it means they care about you and about your relationship with them. but my words of truth were seen as words that were meant to hurt, words that were meant to blame, and words that "sound nothing like a friend". then in that case, i'm sorry, no matter how much i treasure and value that friendship, i see that you don't treasure nor value it as much as i do because you simply cannot take the truth.

and i learnt that if we were really friends, he would want to clear any misunderstandings i had of him and his friendship. but when a person doesn't even bother to make things clear to evoke a change in the status quo, then he simply just doesn't care enough to want the friendship to work.

i also learnt that people can say things and promise you wonders, but sometimes they just can't keep it. he said "i want to be your friend", and "i want things to go back to normal", but he cut me off from his FB list, his MSN list and every other way that we could keep in contact - and i honestly don't understand how that shows me that he wanted to be friends nor did i see how that would help in bringing things back to normal. even if we did go over our heads, i don't think that such extremes needed to be taken because it just shows how much you really want to keep the friendship - or maybe, that's just my definition of friendship where if i want to be friends with a person, i keep all channels of communication wide open, not close them. maybe that's how you treat your friends, but not me because my beliefs are different. he probably just needs to learn the art of communication - something that he doesn't want to do.

i would say that i will not keep this friendship, not because i don't want him as a friend, but because i feel that it's really not worth me putting so much more time and effort than he is to maintain the relationship. i feel that it's not worth to sacrifice more than i have to someone who doesn't value what i am giving to the friendship. everything that i've said, everything that i've done has been taken for granted. three years and one line "i've dropped everything because we've both gone over our heads" to seal the deal on why he cut all contact. and his condition for getting this friendship back - that everything go back to EXACTLY how it was before., which is impossible because nothing on this earth, once changed, can ever go back to what it was within one process. in fact, nothing can ever go back to its original state because that's just how God made everything to be, if something changes, it grows and matures to become something else and can never go back to its origins.

and i will honestly say that i'm very proud that i made this decision because it's one of the wisest that i have ever made in my whole life. i used to think that i loved a person who loved me for who i am, but i realized that i was loving a person who wanted someone who didn't have a personality. i'm sorry dear, but that's what i'm seeing because you never really loved me for who i am, but rather you loved me for who i could become under you shaping.

to him whom it may concern:
so, all in all, i consider this problematic issue a close by saying that, it's not that i don't want your friendship, but i don't think it's really worth it anymore because it would just be too much for the both of us. i really love your company and you really are already like family to me. but if getting the friendship back makes you force yourself to do things that you don't want to, i'd rather we don't have the friendship so that you won't be in so much pain doing what you don't like doing. another reason why i don't feel it's worth it anymore is because i feel that you don't listen nor see before you judge. i'm not blaming you for everything and yet you make it seem as if i'm trying to make you take all the blame. i've said before that neither of us are at fault because it was just our different belief systems that clashed, but you insist that you want to take all the blame if i want you to - you simply don't listen. you keep judging me on what you remembered from three years ago - you simply don't see with your eyes, and your heart. the only way we can ever be friends again is if we start all over again. not as strangers, but at a status quo where we will both open our eyes and ears to see and hear with our senses and our hearts as well, if not, i think that there's nothing much to talk about.

aside: i was really tempted to go to either extremes, total acceptance of his "offer" or total rejection of it. but i decided to come up with a third option, the middle ground where we are still friends, but we start from somewhere else, as new friends - because i think that by restarting the friendship on a blank new page is just what we need because there have been so many misunderstanding that are not cleared, so might as well forget and forgive and start afresh. but if you cannot accept this idea, then i'm really sorry because there is NO FREAKIN WAY ANYTHING CAN GO BACK TO EXACTLY AS IT WAS.

Planetshakers - I Just Want You

More than a nice melody,
More than the sweetest of words,
This is the love i have found,
and with this love i am found

I just want You Jesus,
I just want You my Lord,
I just want You Jesus,
I just want You

Never could i comprehend,
The love you so freely give,
Never could i be with you,
But Your love covers all of my sin

There is no greater love than Yours,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world
I will never find a love like Yours

2009-05-09T23:20:00.005+08:00

another week flown by, like one (week) flew over the cuckoo's nest - lame, i know. it's 11.20pm and i'm waiting in my room in hall for a drinking session with my level6 boys (and someone down there complains that i address all of them as "boys" even though ALL of them are older than me by at least two years or more). but yeah, i'll definitely miss them, especially the seniors who won't be back next annual year. :( LEVEL6, QUELYN MISSES YOU LOADS ALREADY. went down for a round just now and most of them are gone already, gone back home, gone to redang. tomorrow my japanese boy will be leaving at night - i don't know if i can send him off, hopefully. junghai will also be leaving tomorrow night. i think sunday nights are for leaving. HAHAS.

tomorrow, i'm saying goodbye to Sheares Hall and E702 for the holidays. and when i move in next semester, it'll be a different room, a different bed, and a brand new start - because i'm blockhead next year, yes, taking care of 108 eekers will be my job. and, it will also mark my last year as a shearite because i'm not intending to stay in hall when i'm in year3. i think that two years in hall is enough and after that, i want to really focus on church, and of course, my destiny and dreams that i have been aspiring to achieve the last few years. but all the more, knowing that it's my last year in hall, i will really give it my best and take care of blockE. :)) i'm humbled and honored to take the position of blockhead, and it's not going to be an easy journey, i know - but i'm willing to lead.

though, i will be back in hall during the holidays - for SECC as a councillor and Rag as a dancer. :) and as the end of the semester comes to a close, i think now is a good time to blog about my first year in sheares. the first time i blogged in this room was the 16th of june 2008, and the room only had one bag and one blanket that acted as my bedsheet, one stuffed bear that acted as my pillow. today, the 9th of may 2009, the room is full of bags, 33 of them in total, housing my whole first year in sheares - from my clothes, to the memories i've collected.

i really want to thank God for giving me a chance to live an independent life outside of home and for the many opportunities that has come my way. it's really like a chain reaction of events, starting from the NUS Open House where i got to know about Sheares Hall, which led to me signing up for SECC that made me really fall in love with Sheares. and because of that, i signed up for Rag as a dancer and it gave me a sense of ownership and belonging to this place that i've called Home for the last year. after Rag, i felt estranged from the block because i didn't attend SWOC and i decided that i should take a shot and run for Block Committee, and that really shot me to a different playing field cause from a literally nobody, i was taking care of the runnings of the block as well as a whole level of 18 boys. :) and it's the best thing that every happened - thank you God for the opportunity to do so.

outside my block, i was in the Convening Committee and the Cultural Management Board that settled my sports and culture requirements that i had set for myself to join (i didn't want to join too many similar CCAs, it'd be boring..) and i was in the marketing department for both committees. i was also in Sheares Enterprise, which i seriously think was quite screwed, but nevertheless, i had a part in it because i was the vice-chairperson - and it was really a learning experience about working with other people who are very different from me. and i thank God for all these opportunities because i learnt about my shortcomings and strengths as a leader in a different way and i honed some new skills in the process.

right, back to the post later, i'm gone drinking. :))

| edit |

back! well, all in all, i want to thank God for a really good first year in sheares hall. although i think i'm quite phantom-ish, i'm very glad that i have level6 - when i'm bored, i go down to make noise and disturb them. when i'm happy, i go down and still make even more noise and disturb them. when i've got nothing to do, i go down to disturb them and pond them. lols. and when i'm sad/emo, i always know that there's somewhere i can go to and just sit down and be surrounded by people so that i won't be alone. what i'll miss the most in the years to come is level6. next year, it'll be a different batch of people on level6, but it doesn't matter. cause you'll are special, all 21 of you. :))

looking back at the last academic year, i think i have been very blessed to be in the committees i was in, to have the neighbours that i had, to have the friends that i have. it wasn't all happy happy because there were a lot of ups and downs, but it was all a great learning process. and i thank God for it all. i thank the people who have came into my life, and i hope that you won't walk out. here's to all the friendships that we'll always have, no matter how far we are from each other.

goodbye, E702.
goodbye, level6.
goodbye, sheares hall.

2009-05-03T22:52:00.002+08:00

wow. :) sure feels like a long time since i blogged. i used to do it every single day without fail, and even multiple times on somedays. but recently, i've really been super busy with not only studies and fundraisers, but also with spending more time with family and friends. i'm learning more about sacrifice and giving more of myself to other people. i admit that i still have a really super long way to go because there's so much more that can be learnt, and i'm just at the beginning of the journey.

today had service with a really powerful preacher. it's the first time that he's come to singapore, and to our church as well, but his message was just AWESOME. mind blowing. and for the first time in a long long long while, i finally saw the light again - and cried tears of repentance and joy. all this time, i've been stuck in "scamdalon" and haven't been able to come out of it because of one thing - i was unable to forgive myself for all the wrong decisions and actions that i have made. and it came to a point of time where, i really didn't know what to do but kill myself inside, every single day.

many of the things that i couldn't forgive myself about was with regards to that person. if you've read my older posts, you'll know that i've really done a lot of things for him and betrayed myself over and over again for the "love" that was never really appreciated by the other party. but that's over and i'm in the process of totally forgiving him. but to completely forgive him, i had to forgive myself. and today, i did. i walked out of that expo hall feeling lighter than my 59kg. HAHAS. :) it felt like a burden was lifted from my shoulders.

i know that from time to time, i will start blaming myself again. it's my nature, i know. but next time that feeling comes, i can tell myself - I AM FORGIVEN BY GOD & THEREFORE, I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF. :) oh, that power of knowing such a fact makes me feel that i can move on so much easier now. i may not be able to face many things and people at this moment of time, but i know that time heals all, and more importantly, God heals all.

he once told me there was one thing he envied about me - the fact that i had God. but at that point of time, i never really believed him because i myself couldn't believe in God. now, if he told me the same thing, my reply would be "yeah, you're totally right." with a wide smile because i can finally feel how true it is. life with God, is going to be awesomest!

oh, and i promised korie that after my exams, i'll send in a ministry application. :) yes, finally i'm ready to get into ministry again. the last time i was in ministry was a really long time ago. and i miss the days where i was leading the youth ministry as well as the worship team. do i want to go back to those days? yes. not because of the things that i was doing but because it is a joy to be giving to the congregation, to the church - aka, the people around you. i'm doing it outside the four walls of the church, so why not in the church as well.

but of course, there's a lot in the flesh that's holding me back, but, i know that i'll breakthrough. somehow, someway, someday. :P sooner than later of course. like i'll have to give up the little time that i have for myself on weekends. i'll probably have to give up some family time and stuff like that. but in the end, i know that it'll be worth it.

on a more emotional and personal note, it's been a few weeks, and i haven't seen the australian flag on my board for a while. sometimes, i'm relived, sometimes, i'm disappointed. and sometimes i just wonder, have i lost a friend? but time will take it course, and i know that the friendship will heal in time to come. and i'm not in a hurry to do anything because i feel that, we both need a break. i don't want to bring feelings that are not right into the friendship again because it'll just hurt the whole equation.

on a more informative note, it's been a busy week that just flew past. silently, we've entered the 5th month of the year(!) and it's almost the end of my first year in university. thursday night's night cycling was, well, fun because my team was great, but disappointing because, it wasn't exactly what my brother and i pictured it to be. but ohwell. the most important thing was that we had fun. friday was mingles night out again, but it was quite quiet because not many people turned up. in the end, i went to orchard to fellowship with santy, julius and korie. saturday was good with cellgroup and fellowship with sylvia and karen later on. today, a great church service, lunch and fellowship! :D

tomorrow: NM1101E Communications, New Media & Society. 5-7pm
tuesday: JS1101E Introduction to Japanese Studies. 1-3pm
wednesday: GE2202 Economy and Space. 5-7pm
thursday: EN1101E Introduction to Literary Studies. 1-3pm

the above is my EXAM SCHEDULE!! *sighs*
do pray for me, wherever you are and whoever you are.
i really need all the prayers i can get. hees.

2009-04-30T11:09:00.002+08:00

i know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
where all of the walls are continually changed

and i've done all i can
to stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
now i'm starting to see
maybe it's got nothing at all to do with me

fathers, be good to your daughters
daughters will love like you do
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers, be good to your daughters too

ooh, you see that skin
it's the same she's been standing in
since the day she saw him walking away
now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

boys, you can break
you find out how much they can take
boys will be strong
and boys soldier on
but boys would be gone without warmth from
a woman's good, good heart

on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the guide and the weight of her world

really nice song that i heard a few years ago, but it didn't come back to me till recently. and i find that there's a lot of meaning in this particular song because what is said is really true. "fathers, be good to your daughters/daughters will love like you do" - i really feel this line because up to a certain point of time, i was really like my father. many people know him as a very nice man whom i always talk about (of course, i don't put my father down in front of other people), but what they don't know is that his love is one that is always here but, not here. there, but not there. he can be in love with many women at the same time, and i feel that there was one point of time where i learnt from him. i had 4"steads" and was flirting with a few more guys. HAHAS. bet you readers never thought that there was this side to me. but, it's true, i was "loving" like my father did.

but i'm glad that since then, i've changed.

sometimes i feel that this "father" topic is something that we don't really talk about. i mean, i know he's somewhere in the world, but i'm never really sure where he is. singapore? vietnam? africa? i don't know, and i haven't seen him physically for about a year maybe? i can't even remember if i saw him during chinese new year. to say that i don't miss him, is a lie. but at home, we don't really talk about him because mother will just throw a fit and start saying a tonne of things you don't want to hear about him.

and "on behalf of every man/looking out for every girl/you are the guide and the weight of her world" - is so true for me currently. my life wouldn't be the same without these two, well, "men" - God, whose somewhat taken the place of my earthly father and korie, who has always been my guide and the weight of my world after God. :) i realize that for every major change that i went through in the last maybe 4years, korie has always been by my side, being my guide and weighing me down when i start to lose track of reality, holding me up when i cannot stand on my own two feet. of course there were other people who were also there for me, like my besties and N233/N415, but i realize that most of the time, i run to him for comfort because i know he won't judge me. instead, he will comfort when he needs to, gentle chide me when i do something wrong, and is always very honest with me. :) thanks korie, for standing by my side through my darkest moments, for holding me up when my heart was broken, for lending me a shoulder when my grandmother died, for helping me find my confidence again. simply for being by my side without asking for anything in return. you're one of the greatest blessings tat God has given to me, and i wouldn't know what to do without a brother like you. :))

but i think more than korie, i have to thank another person - God. cause he's really the one who made me, moulded me and he's the one who really knows me more than any person in the world. even my parents don't know me as much as he does. :) and i don't know what to say because words really fail me when it comes to God. hahas. but i thank him for creating me, seeing me through everything and blessing me with good friends and people around me.

well, enjoy your day! i'm going night cycling tonight. :)
argh. but i'm going to study now. HAHAS. bye!

2009-04-29T16:50:00.003+08:00

somethings are changing, for good and for bad. somethings are getting easier to do, others harder. after putting someone down, i was telling QiaoQiao, i feel so much more freedom to do whatever i want, love whoever i want and really, just live myself, being who i really am. and after three years, the real me finally has a chance to come out and play. i know that the next one who comes along, will not only be better, but will also be someone who allows me to be who i am without complaining about me making up, my specs, my habits, whatever. love me for who i am boy, or don't love me at all. :)

found someone who seems to really know me inside out. knows what i'm thinking. encourages when i need it, without me even telling him anything. notices the small, really minute changes in me and on me. but i'm really afraid to think too much into this relationship because it's really so strong, yet so fragile. i don't know how to describe this relationship that we have. hahas. but, i guess i won't think too much because, it won't do any good. there's too much at stake right now between us, so i don't want to lose our friendship.

found another someone too. hahas. quiet, thoughtful. sweet, gentle. intelligent too. hahas. but seriously, we just met and i don't want to think too much. i'm just beginning to know him, but i have to admit, that he is really my type. actually both guys are, more than the gone and over him. both of them are tall, good built, somewhat sporty/athletic, actually shows that they care for me in practical ways instead of just saying that they do.

one thing to learn cb, sometimes, actions speak louder than words. i'm sorry. i know you've said you cared like three million times, but it's all just words. and in this world, words are actually worthless. like this blog, every single word that i type, is worthless. i can't make money from these words, all they are are just emptiness that reflect thoughts, wants, needs and deeds. and your words, are like this space too.

or maybe it's just me, i prefer seeing people acting on the "i care for you". it's called practical love. but i guess, that wasn't the way that the old guy worked. hahas. but for now, for me, i'm not wanting to get into a relationship anytime soon. seeing all my friends going into relationships, i don't envy them because they've all had privileges taken away from them - like no clubbing, no colourful clothes etc. i want to stay my colourful, happy bubble, clubber self for now.

single, looking, but not available yet.
nice. :)

been making loads of memories, but really no time to update. :( i'll update everything in a summary when i've got time. :))

2009-04-27T23:48:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel that people don't really know what i want to be when i grow up. but it's not because i didn't tell them. it's because they don't believe in what i say. you know why i fell in love with facilitation and the TAM group of people? - because they believe in you and your dreams, no matter how stupid or impossible it may seem. they never put anyone down, in fact they do the opposite, they support and encourage.

maybe some people should learn to be supportive and encouraging too. i try to be as much as i can, and i've learnt that if i've got nothing good to say, i won't say anything to that person. no matter what opinions or judgements i have about another person, i shut up and continue to positively encourage and support them.

THE IMPOSSIBLE IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE. - believe it.

2009-04-25T23:59:00.002+08:00

SNAP! :D just finished watching Les Choristes - one of the best film art movies that i've watched in a long time. saw it once before during Movie Night that 29th organized in NY. and really missed it. watching it again bring back old memories and new perspectives because it's like everytime you watch a movie, you gain something more to your understanding and experience. :)) today's memory really quickly - ran errands at the bank for my mom and then went people watching at coffee bean for a while. M was there for about 15mins and bought me coffee. thanks bro. people watched till about 1pm and then went for cellgroup which was totally packed!! joe's orange room will no longer be able to fit all of us in. hees. fellowshiped, then played jenga. LOLS. cabbed to VivoCity with korie (thanks for the cab ride!) and then met mom & my bro to grab dinner. came back to watch LC, and fell in love with it all over again.

kinda mundane a day, but it's good to just relax a little and not do anything too exciting or something that will, hmm, wind up late into the night. stopped watching football/soccer already cause anyway i've got no more team to support. HAHAS. right. so i'm heading of to sleep now.

CIAO. :)

2009-04-25T00:35:00.000+08:00

i love the age that i'm at right now cause i'm young. but there are times when i really want to be above 21 because i don't need parental consent all the time. one very good example is when i sign up for marathons, i ALWAYS need parental consent. ARGH!! ok. going to sleep. goood night. :))

2009-04-24T19:27:00.003+08:00

Als die Nazis die Kommunisten holten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Kommunist.

Als sie die Sozialdemokraten einsperrten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Sozialdemokrat.

Als sie die Gewerkschafter holten,
habe ich nicht protestiert;
ich war ja kein Gewerkschafter.

Als sie die Juden holten,
habe ich geschwiegen;
ich war ja kein Jude.

Als sie mich holten,
gab es keinen mehr, der protestieren konnte.

then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.

starting this post with something very powerful. it's in german, so don't worry if you don't understand. the poem is attributed to a speech that Pastor Martin Niemoller made, with regards to the inactivity of German intellectuals during the rise of Nazi power and how Hitler, while purging group after group, was not stopped by these people. and eventually, when everyone else was purged, the silent ones themselves were to be exterminated, but there was no one to speak up for them.

and sometimes i feel that, this is how society works on various levels. no matter how rich and developed a country or society is, there will always be these groups of people who are ignored, forgotten, underprivileged and somewhat "purged" from society. these are the old, the handicapped, the diseased, the poor and the "outsiders" such as migrants and foreign workers. no matter how much "racial and religious harmony" we have in even a country like singapore, there will always be these groups of people who are left under the radar.

and i feel that in PVC, we somehow speak up for them. by raising awareness of our beneficiary's cause and plight, by raising funds for them and by interacting with the beneficiary themselves. we care for other people who are out of our racial group, income group, comfort zone etc etc. and it's really something that i think every society needs. it's not something that just NGOs or welfare/volunteer groups should do, but something that society as a whole should be participating in. just to spread the love and the care for other people. :))

THURDAY'S MEMORY: MINGLES NIGHT WAS A BLAST! met many many new people who were really nice and we clicked quite well. even though mostly people stayed in their little group of friends, the game that we played really made them open up and talk to other people. :) although we didn't meet our target of funds raised, i'm glad that at least we really had some fun. was with qiaoqiao almost the whole night and of course thomas (the train engine/"gay") as well as his buddies, elbert (:D), victor and nicholas. LOLS. really had a blast of a time with them because they're really a bunch of fun people. played connect4 most of the night and was talking crap here and there, drank and sang. whahaha. coolies. then spent the night at qiaoqiao's place because i was wiped out of all my money to be used as change.

FRIDAY'S MEMORY: woke up at qiaoqiao's place, very embarrassing cause her mom and herself was already awake like really early! but i was super tired. qiao媽 said that i was like a 小寶寶，白白胖胖. LOLS. which is quite true when i just wake up cause i'm usually like super bloated. :P went out for "breakfast" with qiaoqiao at KFC around 11plus and then went to plaza singapura to walk walk and talk talk. :) AND SOMEONE MSGED BACK! heees. haven't felt this kind of feeling for a super super long time already. you know, when you get a message from someone and you're damn nervous on how you should reply then you'll think for hours on end. hahas. but i don't think it's going nowhere cause it's really hard to carry a conversation with him. sighs. ohwell. time will tell. then later, went back to hall and my mummy picked me up! she's finally home. but she's leaving on the 1st of may again. ohwell. at least i spent sometime with her today eating lunch and then doing a bit of walking around and kinda "shopping".

signed up for the PAssion Run that's coming up in May and it's going to be my first marathon of the year. 10k. must start doing intensive training after the exams end. and now that i'm going to be moved back home, I CAN FINALLY RUN AT MACRITCHIE!! :D finally finally. like after 360million years! AND MARATHON SEASON IS COMING!! loves!

on another note, there's still some part of me that is very scared, and scarred i guess. after reading that very first email from him, there's this shadow above our friendship that's very dark and it says that if he could do something like that once, he could do it again. in fact, this is the second time he's done it. and my heart really wants to give him a third chance, but the mind is very afraid. sighs. whatever. we'll let time do what it does. maybe, just maybe one day, our friendship will go back to being what we were before.

ciaos. i'm having an early night, i think. :)

2009-04-23T17:40:00.002+08:00

if there's one thing that i'm proud of myself, it's that i can finally say, i don't love you anymore - not in that way at least. because i'm sick and tired of it. i read some of the mails before that final one and i really have a lot to say because there were some people who told me, "this, this, that, that etc. is what he's going to do and say" and i told them, you must be kidding, he's not that kind of person. but those mails, very sadly, proved them right.

me, scary and cold-hearted? i'm sorry, but this one i have to say something. in all my 19 years of life, no one has ever said that to me. in fact when i tried to be scary or cold-hearted, they laughed at me saying that i really cannot make it. and, i was the one who wrote those posts, so obviously i know what feelings i had when i was writing them, definitely not what you think it was. YOU, think too much. not me. all these years, whatever i've said and i've done, my intentions and motives are all very upfront, but you've been stuck in three years ago. i told you time and again, i'm not that girl anymore, but obviously, your judgement has never changed, and you always think that there's something more to what i'm saying. you kept reading between the lines. and i'm going to stop here because if i continue, i may just say something else that will make you think that i'm scary and cold-hearted and turn you into some frenzy..

yes, i still want to be your friend, but i really think that it's not going to be the same for a while because i finally see that what the people around me have been saying is true and i'm beginning to put those judgements on you, no matter how hard i try not too. but the truth seems so clear that i have no choice but to take them into consideration. remember i said that i learnt that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them a few posts ago - now i'm beginning to see your imperfections already and i know that i'm no longer in love with you. i won't bother explaining because you'll probably take the whole topic somewhere else i don't want to go to. i know what you're thinking right now, so shut that mind of yours up.

maybe you're seeing me as more cold-hearted because now i've become very straightforward - GET OVER IT. that's how i am. if you're my friend, i'm very straightforward with you and i speak my mind very directly without hiding. ask any of my friends, they'll tell you the same thing. but whatever it is, i don't believe i'm saying this back to you - IT'S YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS. i can't change that. you have to think about it yourself.

i think i shall stop here because i forsee that a lot of things that i want to say will bring about alot of anger and unhappiness in you - and my predictions are always, 100% true, so don't bother denying that you're not. i shall shut up. but yes, there's no chance in the next few months that out relationship can be the same as before. maybe by the end of the year it'll be better, hopefully.

oh, and about contacting, don't bother. let's do it your way. i want to see exactly how well it works. it goes against all my principles and beliefs but whatever, you think it's right. so let's do it your way. i don't want the clubbing situation to come up again. and i don't want you to one day say that i was trying to force you to do things the way i think it's right.

sighs. contradictions and more.
what a freakin long day.

yesterday's memory, a very quick one cause i'm going to be late for mingles night out!! went to the bar to jam with the band, but found out that they changed the band. :( went to kbox by myself from 10plus till 3am and sang every song that i could think of and at 3am, i still had about 3pages of songs that i hadn't sang yet (didn't know my chinese repertoire had become so big!). while there, drank alot cause there was some beer drinking competition. came in second, but didn't get drunk (hello! it's just beer, 5% of alcohol is totally no kick at all. hmm, even though it was like 5 glasses in about 7mins.) cabbed back to hall, still walking straight, not high at all. :(( and then bathed and went to sleep. of course, because i didn't get drunk nor high, i had to pay back - i was hungover the whole day and couldn't study. sighs. but it was a good memory - first time i went kboxing by myself. damn shuang because you have to keep singing and singing without stopping cause there's no one else. HAHAS. narcissistic self coming up already. and you really sing until you're hoarse. lucky for me, my voicebox is not that weak. :))

ok, that's all for today. GOING TO MAKE TODAY'S MEMORY. :)

2009-04-22T12:47:00.002+08:00

just opened my email, read the first two line and nothing else
and i won't read the rest either cause i
got the answer. end of story. done deal. :)

simple. just the way you like it.
and just the way that i want it now.

it's 12:49pm and i'm still not out of hall!! sighs. been slacking off and doing my own research instead of studying. right, after this post i'm changing and going out already - to study. recently my wrist/thumb's been giving me problems again, but currently with the mad rush of readings to finish, i don't think i'm going to get it fixed anytime soon. i'll do that during the holidays. this week, my dear OneFive is taking a break because they really gave it all for that carnival, and i'm really proud of them. but this week, it's my turn to fundraise, and it hasn't been going well. selling tickets for mingles night to NUS students is like trying to kill them cause all of them are busy mugging their life away. i'm glad that at least i have something else other than mugging on my mind. university life, to me, isn't really that important because a degree, is just a degree - a piece of paper printed with black ink on it. personally, i feel that what's more important is what we do during our university life. the adventures we go on, the places we explore, the experiences we go through. currently, i'm looking for my next project or camp to go to. this year, is going to be especially meaningful.

the first annual year is going to close soon. and then, i'll blog about my first year in university. :) probably in may.
ciao.

2009-04-22T10:52:00.003+08:00

一陣風突然吹過
吹起了嘴邊無意的笑意
也同時吹醒了這個夏天
仍舊在冬眠的人們

got woken up early in the morning by my phone ringing away, so i turned it off to silent mode and went back to sleep. sighs. studying makes me very tired. but it's okay cause today i'm going out of hall to study at some quiet place - hopefully it's quiet. just woke up and read through a few messages. Xav's going dragonboating today. sighs. makes me want to start dragonboating again. but it's been hmm. more than three years since i last went, so i guess that currently, it's out of the question. got to shape up before doing anything else. marathons come first though.

and then to the other person. i think no matter how many messages or emails you send, whatever content it is, it's already irrelevant. you didn't read my post carefully. you asked me to read your emails again, i'm asking you to read my blog posts again because ALL THE ANSWERS THAT YOU NEED ARE THERE. messaging me doesn't make a difference because i've already said, i made my stand very clear, and i'm not going to repeat myself - and this time, i'm really keeping to it and i'm not going to repeat myself. whatever you said about forgetting about this whole incident, it's already been forgiven. you didn't read it, did you. and no matter what you message, my stand is very clear already. i'm just waiting for that simplest answer from you. i don't need you to write long messages and emails anymore, it's just a one word answer that even my 3year old sister can give. so tell me, who's complicating things here? i'm asking for a simple answer and you can't give me one. this is what i meant by you never understood. now i feel like laughing cause i'm thinking back and wondering if it was really me who was complicating stuff. and no, i'm not going back to read those emails because i think there's no need to anymore. forgiven and over, so why should i read them again? i don't think they hold any relevance in this context anymore.

if you still don't understand - then i really don't know what else to say already. i'm tired of explaining over and over again and you continuously misunderstanding me when everything is so simple. i don't hide anything on the blog and yet you still can misunderstand. it's quite scary because when a third party reading this blog, who doesn't know you, doesn't know the entire situation, can understand what i'm feeling and you don't - i feel like crying, because all these years, i've been telling people that you're the one who can really understand me, but even now, i have the urge to doubt that, but for now, i won't. because i'm giving you another chance, yet again..

simple answer, i'm waiting for it.

2009-04-21T23:29:00.004+08:00

i learnt that no one is perfect
until we fall in love with them
and that life's a series of snapshots
that you either capture or miss

TODAY'S MEMORY

one last post before the day is out. :) and of course, as promised, it's about today's BBQ with my dearest level6. after tonight, the next time that i'll be seeing most of them is either hmm. actually i don't know. maybe during Beer Fest i'll see a few of them. and definitely on the 9th where we're going to have our chill out session. hahas. but yeah. whatever it is, i'm going to miss them real badly once the holidays start. moving out of hall and back home, so no more nightly trips to level6 anymore because there won't be any level6 for me to go down to.

started the BBQ at about 6pm and it was a blast. thanks to PKK for arranging the food and pit's arrival so that we don't starve, and to Edmund who set up the fire for us. :) started out really slowly, just eating and talking about random stuff, but as the night grew darker, whoa, the conversation topics also grew wilder. hahas. boys will always be boys. :) but that's what i love about my level6, they never really hide anything at all.

really kinda pitied Calvin and HengFai cause they were the butt of many conversations. "on the wings of love" & "alphabravoCHARLIEdeltaecho"/ HAHAS. UNFORGETTABLE! yes, as your level6 rep, it is my duty to love you and take care of your welfare - ensuring that all your neighbours know what's going on. :) HAHAS. but that wasn't all. boys being boys, they talked about topics that cannot be blogged here. hahas. R(A) / R21. but i learnt a few more things from them! funny. :P

the food was good, didn't eat much though cause nowadays a little food makes me really full already. ate instant noodles for lunch today and had to force myself to finish the damn thing cause it was just too much for my stomach to handle. korie says that it's obvious that i haven't been eating much cause i've become a little skinnier. sighs. i do it, just not as much of an appetite as before.

really thanks to all the level6 guys who came down, helped to BBQ, talk crap, eat, and just make the atmosphere so lively. :) i'll miss you'll guys and i'm thinking really hard what to get for you'll as your POP gift. hahas. passing out as a level6er, but once a level6er, always a level6er in my heart.

on another note, i left my phone in my room the whole day. came back with a few messages from people here and there. Xav really made my day cause his conversations are always really interesting and somewhat mentally stimulating. hahas. of course there were other messages that i didn't bother replying - i don't even know if i want to reply. i know what i want and where my stand is - but it seems someone else doesn't? sending me emails from two very different worlds in one day. sorry, but my brain is still processing the first, VERY HURTFUL one. and on one count, you're wrong. the hurt i feel, is the same as the hurt you feel. the hurt i feel wasn't just because you left, but also because time and again, someone i cared for hurt me - but i took the shit and shut up because i didn't want to ruin the relationship. but now, i'm not going to take shit anymore. i'm more than that and i deserve better. if you think someone you cared hurt you, someone i cared for hurt me a thousand times more than i hurt that person. enough said.

sighs. going to bathe and then going down to level6 to get my spirits abit higher. that paragraph above just brought back a lot of pain. what the shit. this is not the way i'm going to let my day end. you go get your thoughts right, friend or not is up to you. and don't reply until you're very sure - because i'm a girl, i forgive and usually forget, but unfortunately for you, all the memories of you are so deeply etched that i rarely forget anything about you - so in future conversations, if you hurt me, i might bring the past back to hurt you. this is not me being cruel or anything, it's just how i am - take it or leave it. i'm not going to stop you from leaving or beg you to stay anymore. your life, your choice. i made mine very clear already - friends for life. so it's up to you. if you're going to do what you did today again, i'm telling you honestly that i'll get quite pissed because you know how f- painful that first email was. sorry to say this, but it's going to take a few more days to get over that f- pain and then the second email will settle in. so if you send a third email, the content won't be in my brain until perhaps 4-5days later. I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. this time, you really went quite overboard - even if it was just you being whoever you are, i still have to right to be sad/pissed/angry, whatever, because you really went too f- far. from the number of vulgarities, you know how much you hurt me cause i never take them out unless it's #1 for fun, or #2 i'm really sad/angry.

and it made me very sad/angry to know that our friendship is something that can be so easily broken. DO YOU F- UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAID IN THE FIRST EMAIL? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE HURT THAT YOU F- BROUGHT TO ME THE WHOLE F- DAY? sometimes i feel that our friendship hangs on your every word because i already said, whatever it is, you'll always be my friend, my BBFF. but it seems that you are the volatile one. when i said you don't understand - i think i was right on this one count. SO TO MAKE IT VERY, EXTREMELY CLEAR - i'm saying it once, and NEVER AGAIN. whatever you turn into, be it a rich successful (insert your dream profession) or a poor beggar, whether you make mistakes that ruin your life, or bring it up, i'll always be your friend. AND THE REST, IS IN YOUR HANDS. i'm not the one being volatile here. i may get angry, irritated, confused at what the shit you are doing - but it doesn't change that friendship. don't you realize that all this time, it's always been you moving this friendship from one extreme to another? you get angry and then threaten not to be friends anymore. you get angry and say the words that you don't want to be my friend anymore. i'm sick and tired of always being the one trying to salvage the relationship. sick and tired of being the one who's always giving and giving, and giving some more. sick and tired of always being the one that begs you to stay - sorry, that's not the real me. and i don't want to be that wuss anymore. you want to go get angry, get angry. it doesn't change anything on my side because i've said it so f- clear that if you don't understand, you really are a fool.

sighs. you go think about it, what you've done and what you've said. what i've done and said, i know very well. and don't always think that you are the one in the right, cause you're not. just, sighs. go think about it. i don't have any extra energy to deal with this situation because of exams and my fundraisers all coming up. get back to me again when you've thought through it. and anyway, i haven't read your second email, so you have even more time to go think. i spelt out the consequences for you already - and i don't promise that i'll never do them because i am only human, just like you and i have the right to get angry, pissed, whatever shit else comes. i've always stopped myself from being angry with you because i thought that love would overcome every f- thing that came up. but apparently i was wrong, it just made me someone who was so easily swayed. and i don't ever want to be that girl again.

whatever. QUELYN GO BATHE AND THEN GO LEVEL6!

2009-04-21T10:27:00.002+08:00

HAHAS. i really predicted correctly, the person in question really got angry and said that i've hurt him the worst that i've ever had. good for you dear, you finally know what i've been feeling all these years when you didn't understand me. but if that's what you want, i'm fine with it because it's your life and in life, we all make choices. i chose to give you another chance despite all you did and all the hurt that i felt, i chose to bury those feelings and be friends with you, for life. but you made your choice to walk away and leave, just as i always have thought you would - just as two other people told me you would, because the one who's always running away at the critical times, is you not me.

i stood where we left off two years ago and braved a whole load of shit that happened. people called you a jerk, i defended you. people called you a bastard, i defended you. people said i deserved better, i told them that you were the best for me. you know how much criticism i came under, and how much pain it caused? no, you don't - because you were out there living YOUR glorious life, never even once looking back except until recently. but it doesn't matter because you've ran away again.

and i think that i will never be able to understand your definition of love and friendship. love is not trying to make the person change into someone else. everyone has their own "goals" in life - be it fantastical dreams that seem hard to come true, or results that they want to see, or just living life simply like you. but God made us all different and we don't all live the simple life like you. too bad. but i now know why i could never fulfill my potential - it's not because i was "chasing" too many aspirations at a time, God will never give us more than we can handle - but because i was in the mindset that i wanted to live your simple life that stopped me from being who i am.

no, your not a bastard. i'm just a fool who gave up and lost many things in life because i loved you too much. but now, i'm not going to lose anything else because i'm going to live life to its fullest. even if one day i drop dead because i'm doing too many things at one time, at least i know that i've lived life really GLORIOUSLY to its fullest, trying everything that i can and just having a whole load of fun. unlike well, nevermind. that's your life, i won't say anything because God made you that way, or maybe it's just you. whatever.

friendship, that one i really don't understand. everything will fall back into place when we meet again. we don't need to communicate. HAHAS. wonderful - no. i don't understand that kind of friendship. in fact, i will honestly tell you that in that kind of "friendship" there is no relationship at all. because relation/friendship is something that you build upon, maybe not day after day in your case, but maybe week by week - communicating and putting in the effort and time to get to know a person. i vowed to God just the other day that i would put as much time and effort needed to build ALL the relationships in my life, be it friends, family, loved ones - and i'm determined to keep it, no matter how hard it is. your kind of friendship, hahas, only you will understand i guess. if you really want an extreme example - try not communicating with her and see what kind of relationship you'll have. put that in a different context with your friends and family - different people, same result. but you have your own life philosophy, and you don't consider me a friend anymore, so yah, don't need to listen to my words. like rihanna sang, "live you life".

WOOHOO. alright everybody else who reads my blog. :)) hahas. sorry dears, you'll have to put up with all those stuff that i'm typing to someone else. but, this is probably going to be one of the last times, but if you do read, you'll notice that i'm starting to change my outlook in life and i'm starting to apply what i've learnt in church. proud of myself. i really thank God for pastor who did the whole love & relationship series because it made me see which relationships are worth keeping and which relationships aren't.

if you've noticed, i've put down a countdown timer to my BIRTHDAY! :)) right, it's quite sad also cause my age is officially starting with a "2" this coming year. sighs. but with the 2months, 2weeks plus left, i'm going to create memories every single day - even if the memory is an exam. :P although it's less than 2weeks to my exams, it's not going to stop me from creating something special everyday. heee.

TODAY'S MEMORY - BBQ with Level6. :)) it's later tonight, so i'll update again.

2009-04-20T23:46:00.002+08:00

mm. one last post for today before i head off to bed. yesterday i messaged korie, "i think i can finally say that i rly let go already." and it was after a long, hard battle with many other people who were talking to me, and of course, myself, that i came to that conclusion. truthfully, i really thank God for people like Xav, Alv, korie and the other guys who messaged me today. really brightened up my day and took my mind off what i shouldn't be thinking of, what i shouldn't be regretting.

about slightly less than a week ago, i was literally killing myself - no sleep. no food. continuous work. - and i admitted to all the people who asked me about it, i was escaping from some issues that i didn't want to think about. to the other person in question, all my feelings and thoughts are, well, non-existent to say the least. i know he's going to get angry when he reads some of the things that i'm going to say, and i really don't care already. if that's the way friendship is to you, then whenever we meet up again, we'll just pick off from when you last left. everything in the middle, is not that important, or at least that's what your reasoning tells me.

but really, whatever. i'm not going to be greedy anymore, wanting your attention. if i need attention, i'll get it from elsewhere. at the end of the post, all i want from you is that friendship that you talked about, the kind where we don't need to contact for the time when we're apart and when we meet again, we pick off from there. and that's what it'll be to me because you know about my life through this blog, yet i know nothing about how you are living yours.

i used to love a guy, so deeply that i gave up everything for him - literally. religion, emotions, sanity, logic. i thought that as long as i had him, everything would be alright - and i was willing to spend the rest of my life with him. but i ended up losing a few years of my life and a few good men as well. i don't regret loving him and giving what i gave to him because when i did, i was in 7th heaven - i thought, as long as he likes it, i'll be happy. as long as he's happy, i'll be alright - and that was what love was to me. but it wasn't to be so.

all these years, i stood at the same spot, waiting for him to come back. i loved him with everything i had and was reluctant to live my own life. but slowly as the years went by, i also began to pick up more meaningful things in life, such as volunteer work and dance - but i never gave everything to them because there was always this part of me that was left with him. and now, i finally see how stupid i was to wait for so long.

i used to think that everything would be alright if i waited for him. it was okay if he went out and had relationships with other girls. i used to think that it would be okay because if i waited long enough, he would come back to be by my side. and for the longest time, i kept that promise that i made more than three years ago. but i guess he didn't understand that promise. maybe because i said those words too many times and it became worthless. or maybe it was those emotions in me that had become worthless because he didn't treasure them - but that's not important because this post is not about going into who was right and who was wrong. because we were both right, and wrong. there's no one to blame except the both of us - end of story.

i promised that i would wait for him to return. but i finally figured that if i really want to move on with life, and not just say that i have, i need to break that promise and really move all my emotions and thoughts away from him and into more meaningful things and maybe someone else who deserves it more than he does already. i'm not going to say sorry because i've kept that promise for three years already, ruined parts of my life because of it and lost so many things, from friends, to opportunities because of that promise. i gave it my all, and i'm not guilty that i'm breaking it. you don't treasure it anyway, so you don't lose out on anything.

all these thoughts and reflections came out because of three people. firstly sam who told me "girl, you need to have some SELF-RESPECT." - and f. i think it's so true. when i first fell in love with him, i threw away everything including self-respect. gave him everything that he wanted, even when we were not together anymore. my self-respect was gone, totally. and now, i'm taking it back. i'm not going to grovel around waiting for him. i'm a beautiful, confident, extremely sexy woman - why should i wait for someone who doesn't totally appreciate me as i am.

secondly, it was Ming - the quietest guy i've met in my entire life who said the wisest thing i have ever heard. "you need someone to LIVE life with you, someone who will EMBRACE both your worlds with you and that's all you'll ever need for happiness because happiness is about sharing your life with someone else." why am i not happy? why have i been arguing with you so frequently? didn't you realize that it was all because i wanted you to share your life with me, but you didn't think it was necessary. so i came to the conclusion, why should i wait for someone whom i don't know anymore. everything that i know about you is what, three years old. and the "latest" information is almost two months old. i refuse to wait for someone who cannot share his life with me anymore - something i knew very long ago but was overly hopeful about. i'd rather share my life with someone who's willing to share his with me, and we'll take on life's ups and downs together - that's what happiness would be like, sharing my life with someone who actually cares and not just says that he does.

thirdly, really thanks to Mark who told me "it's not worth waiting at point A for someone who'll neglect you for months and take for granted that when you come back, everything will fall back into place like the months that had past did not happen. that's not a person you'd want to wait for to get into a relationship because he'll continuously take for granted that you'll be right there waiting for him again everytime he comes back and needs someone else." - shit you clubber boy. i never thought that you would say something so wise. and yes, it's true. he also said that these type of friends are those that we can never have a deep relationship with, no matter how much we want to. because relationships are based on trust and more importantly, communication. at the most, these type of friends are those that we meet once every few years and do some superficial catching up with, have fun and make a few more memories, and then, say goodbye to - Mark, you've officially upped your status from playboy to philosopher. hahas.

at the end of the day, i won't say that you mean nothing to me. i'd just say, goodbye lover, hello friend. that's it. because i realize it's no use waiting anymore. those words that you said to me in your emails, and whatever else, i read through all of them again - and cried, i told myself for the last time. no more tears because of you. we cry only when someone we love deeply hurts us. i want to love you, but not deep enough that you can hurt me again. and anyway, this is probably what you'd have wanted, so that in the future when we meet again, you don't have to feel any form of guilt or whatever. put all the reasons my friends gave to me, and it gave me a logical, reasonable conclusion. and if you think i'm a tattletale, don't worry, all the people don't know who you are, don't know your name, don't know where you are. i've kept you anonymous for so long, and i plan to do so forever regarding this particular issue.

and after today, i'll never speak about this again. not because i'm escaping from it, but because i've concluded it - goodbye lover, hello friend. i don't know what you're reaction will be because i've said a lot of things here that you may think i'm wrong about. say what you want about it. i don't promise that i'll reply.

i admit that there are times today that i regret this decision because i want to love you so much. but, if we don't have the basic trust and communication, i figured that we'll never work out - so that's going to be what i'll tell myself whenever i regret letting you go.

but when i'm not regretting, i promise you my friend that i'll be looking towards another future - a brighter one than the one i imagined before.

2009-04-20T15:37:00.002+08:00

today, i was jolted into thinking about a particular guy. was it because of that conversation that we had that night? was it because of the flirtatious messages that he's been sending? or is it because, he's one of the rare people that almost perfectly fit my ideal type of guy - damn tall, over 180. super athletic. intelligent. humorous conversationalist. etc. etc. he fails probably in about 2-3 of the criteria that i set super long ago. but he comes close. rar.

yet, it is again a forbidden kind of relationship because he's not christian, and there's no way i'm going to do a long term with someone non-Christian again because i love the church that i'm in now and i want my children to grow up there. it's an amazing thing how the children in church turn out to be. :) and another thing is, he's already has someone else that he likes - and is chasing. all these flirtatious messages and conversations what not, are just well, to him and to me for now - flings. sighs.

when will i get a guy whom seriously likes me AND whom is someone that i like at the same time. super sianness because all the guys who like me are not my type. all the guys that i like just wanna fling or just wanna be my brother. what's the world coming to? :(

rar. STUDY LUHH QUELYN.

2009-04-20T02:14:00.003+08:00

i'm looking down the path i'm walking
and wondering if i should stop
take a turn around and then
walk down an untrodden road

right, surprise, surprise. need to really blog my feelings out now. because i'm quite confused about what i'm thinking and what i really want. sighs. but before that, today's activities in one sentence - i went for church then went to paint a house and now i'm very tired but contented. :)

right. now for my thoughts. have been seriously thinking about RETAKING MY ALEVELS. and then going to SMU - right, now i know that 3million people will go WHAT?!? YOU'RE IN NUS AND YOU WANT TO GO TO SMU?? my answer, yes. because there's a degree, or rather, double degree that i want to do but am not able to do in NUS. and currently, my results and subject combination that i took at the Alvls does not support what i want to do. currently, i'm slightly regretting not taking H1maths. but, that's over, and i'm glad that i took KI.

but, there's so many considerations to take. and i'm getting wary of what i should actually be doing. sighs. i need to think, long and hard, and very seriously. i've spent ONEYEAR in NUS - what should i be doing next?

2009-04-18T20:39:00.002+08:00

from where i stand, i see you
standing so clearly across from me
but i will not walk that bridge
i tuned my back against it
and walked away.

Long Time No See !

FINALLY! i get to update. and to tell the truth, my brain is already 95% dead. but i feel that i seriously have to blog before my friends think that this blog is dead. I DIDN'T ABANDON. it's just that the past few days have been like traveling on an interstate. the cars whizz by as i walk along this highway and i don't even have time to catch my breath, much less blog. so many things have happened since tuesday! ohgoodness. i feel that i won't be able to finish blogging everything because i can't totally remember. :(( it's been a mad rush of meetings and completing assignments and what not. right. let me recall.

WEDNESDAY/ had french test. seriously, i don't care if i screwed it already. i had fun, and that's all that mattered. :) as i blogged before, it's opened up a whole new world of literature to me, and it's really cool - even if it doesn't show its results on my transcript, i'm glad that i took this language up. and, another thing, i'm never ever taking a language module in NUS anymore. NEVER. EVER. because what i heard from my lecturer is that NTU uses the same text book as NUS, but here, we squeeze 6chapters into one semester and NTU does 4chapters per semester. the result is that we finish the whole textbook in one AY. and that's screwed. extremely. :((

after french, skipped my geography lecture to go for my project meeting because the japanese report was due on thursday and we were compiling and changing our referencing style. sighs. right - and i was totally not used to the APA style because usually i use MLA - or whatever it's called. hahs. but yeap. spent about an hour with them before rushing off to NYJC to meet up with OneFive and finalize their plans for friday. and it was a good, albeit short meeting. went back to hall to finish up my report for submission.

THURSDAY/ this day was fairly okay because it was submission day - meaning, the last assignment of the term is OVER! :)) but i had other stuff to do, like the MINGLES NIGHT proposal and that took me quite a lot of time because i seriously didn't know what it would work out like. and i haven't written a proposal in hmm. 6months. the last time i wrote a full proposal was when i was running for SECC chairperson position.

FRIDAY/ most exciting day of the week because OneFive had their carnival at NYJC, and I'M SUPER PROUD OF THEM. it was really a success because the teachers and students were all quite supportive and if you were there to see the crowd, you wouldn't believe that you were in NY. it really felt for a moment in time that we were at a real carnival. games stalls, food stalls etc. and the hottest property - the DUNKING MACHINE. really need to thank the teachers for being so responsive and gungho to volunteer to be dunked. :) and we earned a total of $3500+ from the carnival alone. :)) proud of you OneFive, you've seen the fruits of your labour. well done. and have a good rest before we continue the rest of the journey.

after that cabbed down to West Coast with Xiang, Pathma & Yvon to have our Youth Factory BBQ. had a load of fun! food, drinks and of course, the best was the COMPANY. :) Raj & Xav. for going to ShengSiong and then MacDs with me to help buy the stuff for the rest of the people. and Xav. again for letting me accompanying you to 7-11, had a super blast of a time. :)) it's like i found this weird older brother whom i can crap with for anything. later when most of the "guests" left and it was YouthFac. alone, i got a little high on the alcohol - like after one glass. cause i was damn freakin tired. and Kel just suddenly swept me off the damn bench with one hand. WHAT'S WITH GUYS CARRYING ME THIS WEEK?!?! two different guys, different situations. shitlahhhhs. CAN YOU'LL STOP THAT. I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS K. (oh, but it was quite fun, after you get over the scared of height phase. :P)

SATURDAY/ yes, that's today! woke up damn freakin early to get to the prata place nearby where Raj, Den, Den & YongLing came to pick me up to go to republic poly for our PVC MID-POINT CHECK. we're half way through the journey already!! can you believe it?? 6 weeks ago, we had participants training. and 6 weeks from now, we'll be having our finale at VivoCity. had a really good time today at RP with NY & BLSS whom we combined with. really tired too cause we were just running around and stuff. :)) but all in the name of fun and games because we spent about one and a half hours doing some challenge thing. quite interesting i must admit. hahas. & NYJC is the one who raised the highest amount of funds! $4400!! :)) PROUD OF YOU ONEFIVE. i don't know how to express it because it's really like being proud of like your best friend winning some first prize award. hahas.

TMR! going to church and then going to help Den&Kel paint their new house! hahas. HAPPENING. :))

today i realize that there were people around me whom i missed out in the last two years because i never really saw them for who they were and how they loved me. i don't know if i've missed my chance with them, but what's most important is that i finally see that there are people who are willing to love this stupid, stubborn, extremely busy, complicated person that i am for who i am. i still want to love that person out there, but maybe if i had seen those who were around me in the last two years or so, life might just have been that much easier, with less heartache and pain. but i still don't regret what i went through and what i did because, it's all something called a growing experience. :))

GOING TO SLEEEEP A MUCH NEEDED SLEEP. :)
nights. love you people.

2009-04-14T20:24:00.006+08:00

il pleure dans mon coeur
comme il pleut sur la ville;
quelle est cette langueur
qui pénètre mon coeur

When the time comes, What will you do?

even though French will probably pull my CAP down and what not, i still don't regret taking it because it's opened up a whole new world of literature to me. it may not be my best language and i'm still somewhat blur about many things concerning the language, but it's been a really fun ride. had my last lecture today and there's french test tomorrow. but, no matter what marks i get, the most important is the fact that i had fun doing this. :)

but on another note, as the semester comes to an end, i have to think about my major. sociology? geography? new media? i don't even really know why i'm here in NUS. it's a dream of so many students to be in this institution, and i am here already. but what am i doing here, i'm not too sure. what do i really want to do with my life - it comes down to this question. i know that i don't want an office job, totally out of the question. i know i want a job where i have to take risks everyday. and there are so many choices that i want to pursue, but, NUS is not a place where i'll be able to fulfill them.

quelyn, you need to really think about it.

choices, we all make them. but what we choose makes us, or breaks us. simple as that. or, is it? many people say that we all have choices. but choices are also bound by many restrictions - and that's what's holding me back from making the choices that i want to. my parents will never support what i want to do - and that's my biggest restriction. because without finances, i won't be able to study what i want to. and anyway, my parents look down on my aspirations because they think that it won't be able to feed me. and that saddens me alot because all i need is for them to say "yes, i believe you can." and not worry about anything else, leave that worrying to me. sighs. but parents, they just don't understand and always think that they are right.

recently been busy and well, haven't had any extra head space to think about many things. my focus is no longer on myself and my relationship, but more on the PSR plans and PVC supervision of my kids. but deep in my heart, i know that there's only so long that my brain can avoid the situation and the feelings. my heart is somewhat hanging in the air even though i know what i should do.

had a fun time yesterday and DIDN'T GET PONDED. :) hengfai was too busy with ahem to pond me, even though he did try to get some of the level6 guys to help him. but by that time, i was drinking with some of the other level6ers, so no chance to pond! :P had a fantastic 2007 Cabernet Sauvignon reserve from bordeaux and a very happy Moscato. oh, and Sapporo after that. hahas. drank and talked and found out a lot more about these guys esp. the new one. but mostly, had a lot of fun. :) but, time flies when you're having fun, and i spent almost two and a half hours there! by the time i realized it, i rushed back to my room to sleep. hahas.

new house rules for quelyn. #1: no eating after 7pm. #2: sleep before 1am. and hopefully, i'll keep to them. :)

french test tmr.
study calls.
avoir! :)

lastly, check this video out!
it's just sheep, and lights!
the the end's tres bien!
oh, but the poor sheep.
sighs.